Out And About: Me with the boys when we first got them home
Grocery Shopping: The boys in a "truck" cart when they were a year old 
Walks: The boys and me out for a walk earlier this fall
Forwarning: This is a long post! I've been thinking about this for almost two years now so there's a lot to say...
A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine who is an adoptive mom told me about a person she had met in the mall one day. My friend is white and was shopping with her toddler son, who was adopted from South Korea. This other woman was white and was with her white daughter, who as it turned out, she had adopted domestically. The woman had made a bee-line to my friend and asked her, "Is he A.D.O.P.T.E.D.?" [spelling out the letters of the word so that the kids wouldn't be able to make out what she was saying]. My friend said proudly, "Yes!" And then the woman asked, in a whisper, "Are you going to tell him he's adopted?" My friend was telling me about how crazy this felt to her -- to be asked this -- because in her mind it is just not even a question: of course she's going to "tell" him he's adopted... it is plain to see that they are an inter-racial family... how could a family hide adoption in such a scenario?! So, we were talking about how we cannot even imagine hiding adoption from our kids. And how we cannot even imagine not talking about adoption openly together as a family. And the more I think about it, the more I simply cannot imagine it any other way in our family. Especially because at this point adoption is such a huge part of our family identity.
I've never had the "Is he A.D.O.P.T.E.D.?"-question or the "Do you think you're going to tell them that they're adopted?"-question that some other adoptive families seem to get. I think because we are a black/white family (so to speak), it is sooooo blatently and visibly obvious that K & O were adopted, and that K & O will know they were adopted. There have been only a couple of exceptions. Twice, when I've been out and about alone with the boys (i.e., without Braydon), I have gotten: "Wow, their father must be very, very dark." ?! ... Like I could possibly biologically produce them being as white as I am with any man no matter how dark he could possibly be?!?! Anyway, it seems that most everyone else I've ever encountered just knows that my babies were adopted. So, we don't get the "Are they adopted?"-questions, but we do get tons and tons of other questions. And comments. And stares. We can't get through any public place without people, usually many people, approaching us. For some reason, stores (all kinds of stores) are where it seems to happen the most.
Parents of twins - even biological twins - have a hard time getting through stores because of all the people admiring the twins (parents of twins talk about this all the time), so I guess this is pretty "normal" for twin families... And (I know I'm bias about this but...) I think my twins are so super cutesy that it makes the admiring crowd that much larger! :) However, honestly, I really believe that the blatant staring and all the comments and the constant questioning is escalated about a zillion times because of our unique family's double whammy: the twin thing & the black/white adoptive family thing *combined*.
I feel like we're on display everywhere we go. Isn't that a horrible thing to say? But it is true. We knew when we decided to go through with our adoption plan that we'd be an unusual family. But honestly, I had an unrealistic idea of just how unusual we'd be. And I had absolutely no idea of how many people would bombard us with stares and comments and questions everywhere we go. In truth, it is sometimes exhausting just to be in public. Sometimes we want to just retreat to home-- to our private little oasis where there is no one to catch staring or have to answer to or educate. But life cannot be spent entirely at home. Especially since all four members of our family are extremely extraverted, social people who enjoy human interaction. So, we're out and about a lot. And people bombard us wherever we are.
Lots of people just stare. Or pretend to not be staring but they so obviously are. We hear lots of anxious whispers from parents telling their curious kids to "stop staring!" or reprimanding them that it is "rude to stare!" We basically just try to take all this in stride and generally ignore it. However, when people come up to us and overtly comment, or ask questions, it is nearly impossible to ignore.
People often feel compelled to comment. People regularly say things to us like, "I think it is great what you've done!" Other adoptive parents tell me that this comment really bothers them when they receive it. I understand that. But honestly, it does not bother me at all, in fact, I kind of like it when people say that stuff to us... I think because it feels a lot better to hear something affirming than all the rest of the time when I am totally unsure of what people are thinking (or kind of afraid of what they might be thinking) as they silently stare at us.
People ask a ton of questions too. All the time. Things like, "So, you couldn't have kids of your own?" and "Do you think you'll ever have your own kids?" It bothers me for all the obvious reasons (I have kids of my own; Kyle and Owen are my own kids). But when they ask these things I don't ever correct them. I think when K & O are older and taking more of this in maybe I'll be more proactive about it, but right now it just doesn't feel worth it to me. I also get tons of questions like: "Where are they from?" Sometimes when I say, "Haiti" they say, "Where's Haiti?" or "Oh, Haiti, like in Africa?!" and I'm like, "Um, well, Haiti is actually not in Africa... but...." I also get lots of: "What happened to their mother?" This bothers me because I wish they would say "birthmother," but again, I don't correct them... at least not at this point in our life. The worst is when they say, "Do you know their mother?" or "Do they know their mother?" etc. etc. etc. Again, I don't correct them and I try to not let my feathers get ruffled by it, but I do feel the sting and sometimes fantasize about the things I'd like to say to those "mother" questions (I think any mother would get a little unnerved by people implying -- even unintentionally -- that she is not her child's mother). I also get a lot of: "Do you think you'll ever bring them back to Haiti?" Of course our answer is "Yes." but I'm not sure exactly what this question is getting at, and I often ponder it because it is really interesting to think about what they are trying to ask with that one. ... And... then there's the big one... when they ask: "How did you adopt them???" I get that a lot-- like they want to know the whole entire story from beginning to end----- A lot of times I'll stand there to chat as long as I possibly can until my two year old twins go nutso in the shopping cart, or one or the other (or both) have a total complete meltdown. But sometimes I get really frazzled, because there are days that I just want to buy my stuff and get through the darn store like a normal person.
When I'm really not in the mood to chit-chat about it all, then I try to do something that I have been trying to learn from Braydon -- who is exceptionally good at this -- that is, to appear (in his words:) "unapproachable." This basically involves just launching myself/us through wherever we are and avoiding all eye contact and plunging forward with an unmistakably unapproachable look that screams: "Keep moving people! There is nothing to see here! Move along folks!" Since I'm such an open person this is a major challenge for me, but I'm getting better at it (and I pick up tips everytime we're out as a family and I can watch Braydon in action!) You should see him do it -- he can really be good at it when he wants to be!
Regardless of my mood on any particular day, one thing I do try to do whenever we're talking with folks is to say, "they were adopted..." instead of "they are adopted..." because as K & O start understanding things more I want them to know that was past tense -- that they WERE adopted -- that adoption was a process we went through to become a family, that indeed it made us a very interesting and unique family that draws a lot of attention, but that now that's all done and they're just ours and we're just theirs. At the end of the day, through stares and comments and questions, for better or for worse, we are a family now, and I want K & O to feel secure in that. "Keep moving people! Johnson-McCormick family coming through!!"
12 comments:
We get this, too, to some extent, being a two mom family--or, as I like to point out, a mom and Aimo family, because we're teaching Graham to call me Aimo (eye-mo).
It's not quite as intense for us, because we're not an interracial family, and there's only one of Graham, and because sometimes people probably just assume that one of us is an aunt or a friend or something, which is unsettling on an entirely different level--i.e., one of us is effectively invisible as a parent.
But occasionally we're in situations where it's very obvious that we're a couple, and we're both parenting our kid. Sometimes people maybe stare a little, though I've never felt uncomfortable. Everyone has been accepting so far.
I guess that should surprise me, though it doesn't. I feel entitled to that acceptance, and on some level, it would surprise me if we were treated poorly.
People often ask questions, though. Like, "who was the birth mother?" "How did you get pregnant?" "Did you shop for sperm online?" "Do you know his sperm donor?"
None of that bothers me, really, because I think the more I talk about this stuff with people, the more I normalize it, both for us and for Graham. But it's astonishing sometimes that people talk so openly about sperm. Sorry, but ick. Can't we have some polite euphemism for it? We always refer to Jules as "our donor," and
The only question that ever really gets on my nerves is "Do you breastfeed, too?" Soooo many people have said, "You can, you know. There are these herbs..." as if it were something I wanted to do but I'm not because I just didn't know I could do it.
Yes, I know it's possible, no I don't want to do it. And no, I don't enjoy talking about my breasts with people I hardly know.
Anyhow, I just wanted to write and say I can empathize a little. I also smiled when I read this, because I thought, "hey, this is what it's like being gay."
When Ann-Elise and I hold hands in public or act like a couple, we attract stares no matter where we are. Which may be why we don't do that very often.
Or maybe we just don't like each other very much.
Kidding.
Thanks for sharing all of this. It's good to talk about it.
Cathy-- so funny about the breastfeeding-- I used to get that ALL the time too!!!!!!! People constantly told me about all the ways I could breastfeed K & O. I *never* (I mean never never never never) had even the tiniest inclination to breast feed them-- not even the TINIEST! Actually, in a rare moment of snippy-ness on my part I did say to a woman once (who was telling me about herbal solutions, etc. and recommending numerous articles for me to read on it): "No, really, I have no desire to breastfeed them -- But you should talk to my husband - maybe he would want to try?!" And that was the end of that! Anyway- thanks for reading and commenting. I agree- it is so good to share and write and talk.
I don't think they are implying you're NOT their mother. I just think they're acknowledging that your kids have two moms.
And yes, it does seem crazy to think that people wouldn't tell their kids they're adopted. I am glad you think so, too. =)
I don't know who "N" is... but I feel I need to respond to this comment left here. I just want to be very clear what *MY* perspective on this is--- I know each situation is unique, and only we alone know all the details of our own situations. So, you'll have to just trust me on this one-- but here's the situation with our family: My kids have a birthmother who gave them the precious gift of life. And they have a mom who adopted them and is raising them. They do *not* have two moms. Heather
Congrats, you just ran up against the anti-adoption crowd, who think adoption should be criminalized.
Again, I just want to respond to this post from an anonymous person referring to the "anti-adoption crowd"... I know that these people exist (I'm sad to say that I've been receiving some emails from them after they look at our blog)... I'm not putting their comments on our blog because they are just too horrific for me to publicize. I just have to say that being "anti-adoption" is something I truly utterly cannot understand. This is National Adoption Awareness Month (ironically!) and I'd rather see folks celebrate Mothers -- adoptive, birth, and all kinds of good mothers -- rather than squable about how to use the word "mother" vs. "mom." My kids have a unique life history that nobody knows fully but my husband and I right now. When they are old enough, they'll be the first we share the whole story with -- and then they can decide how to proceed with the information. Until then, they've got a birthmother who they've never known, but who gave them the precious gift of life. And they've got me-- their mama, their mommy, their mom. Two mothers, yes. But only one mom. I think most people can understand without having to read too much between the lines here. Hoping for peace for everyone touched by adoption -- and for everyONE throughout our fragile world. ~Heather
Sorry for the anonymity, but I am a little careful now discussing this. I was adopted back in the mid sixties, in a closed adoption. Early this year, I decided to look for my bio-mom, and found her. I posted a story on my blog about the whole thing, and the antis jumped all over it, and when I had the nerve to defend adoption, and especially closed adoption and keeping records closed, well, the fit hit the shan. I was 'uninformed', 'a typical closed-minded male a-hole', you name it. When you try to reason with these people, they just call you names and tell you how you don't understand. These people are bitter, self loathing, they blame everyone else for their misery, and want adoption to end. They would rather see children raised in squalor, than give one to a family who wants to make a loving home for a child. One 'lady' is on a mission to open all records in New York, old agreements or contracts nonwithstanding. These people are a genuine danger to adoption, because they seem to be mostly stay at home types, and are filled with a sense of rage over their self-imposed loss, and are on a mission. I am so thankful for adoption, and I know so many people who have avoided disaster and live in loving homes thanks to adoption. Your adopted children are so obviously loved. Congrats on a beautiful family.
I'm still receiving more emails/comments from folks who seem to have made it their personal mission to daily bombard our blog with their hurtful messages against adoption. One even went so far as to tell me, in an email, that I should be raising my sons to call me "adoptive mother" and to refer to their biological/birthmother as their "mom." I am not their "mom," this email claimed, because I did not "produce" them. Anyway... I try to just ignore these things and delete them -- so as to not have to subject the rest of the world to these horrible things these people write. But, I just have to post another comment directed to this Anti-Adoption crowd since they seem to stop by our blog often (they always post anonymously so it is impossible for me to correspond with them directly):
I have never said anything on my blog or anywhere else about my children not having two mothers. I am grateful for our children's birthmother and work hard to get the world around us to acknowledge the precious gift of life she gave to my children. I am especially grateful to her for some specific things that I refuse to make public, but will share with my sons when they are old enough to understand a bit about their own history. The word I've been using to describe myself in relation to my sons is different from "mother," it is "mom". I think you need to seriously consider the idea that not everyone's situation is like ours here in the United States. Situations such as the one in Haiti right now -- where there are currently 1.5 million orphans living in orphanages and virtually no access to quality health care and literally no access to birthcontrol and severely limited educational opportunity -- are radically different from situations in the United States right now. Until you have travelled to Haiti and seen firsthand the situation in Haitian orphanages, and met one-on-one the birthmothers who relinquish their children in order for their children to live... until you have done that, then you truly have no place making judgements about adoptive families who bring home children from these places. My sons' birthmother is not, as one person wrote, "a damaged person" (whatever that is??), and is not, as another person wrote, "in active addiction" (FYI: in Haiti poverty is most often so destitute that people cannot afford FOOD, let alone DRUGS. "Addiction" isn't even in the picture for the vast majority there.), and I'm not sure what you're referring to when you write "or worse" ("worse" than what? who is to say what/who is "better" or "worse" than anything/anyone else?! especially out of context?!). Yes, my children were born to another woman. Yes, they grew in another woman's belly. We thank God every day for their birthmother (and father). The rest you *do* *not* know. And thus, you really, really, really should be very careful about what you're saying and assuming when you write these hurtful things in response to our blog.
~Heather
I meant to include this in my previous comment:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ivdA_0U9lo
~Heather
Just stumbled onto this blog entry and I can completely relate. My husband and I were blessed with 6 biological kids, and just brought our newest son home from Haiti last December. We got the stares and comments before our adoption, just because of the size of our family. And the things people feel it's okay to ask! "Are they all yours?" "Are you planning on more?" "Were they all planned?" To one exceptionally forward woman, I replied with my own question... "Would you you ask a perfect stranger about birth control?" When she said 'of course not'...I pointed out that she had, in fact done just that with her questions.
I think sometimes people need a reality check. I don't mind the honest curiosity about my family, and the respectful questions...and I can and will talk for hours about our adoption if prompted, but many folks don't seem to realize when they are crossing the line from curiosity to sher stupidity.
Your family is absolutely beautiful by the way. I think I'll enjoy checkin in on your blog to see your two little men growing!
First of all, I'm so so very sorry that you have been getting hit with negative and hurtful comments. You absolutely don't deserve that (which you know, but I just wanted to reinforce!).
I imagine it might be frightening to realize that a bunch of people you don't know are virtually "seeing" your family and then disagreeing with you in such a hurtful way.
Hang in there!!
We're getting good at the "unapproachable" look, too. It's a learned skill for sure! I can picture you all just barreling through the grocery store!
Thanks for your nice comment on my pictures - and again, sorry you are taking heat from the anti-adoption types.
It really does not matter who gave birth to a kid to me, a good parent is going to love the kid no matter what. The anti types really think that no one should be adopted - no matter what the circumstances. I think it is based on having second thoughts about giving the kid up. Regardless of how good a decision it was when they did, they delude themselves into thinking, 'I could have done it, I want to be in my kid's life after all..."
I have the good fortune to know, without question, that my life would have been a disaster had my bio-mom not given me up. I am thankful she did. I had awesome parents - dirt poor, but happy. The anti adoption folks don't care about that. They would rather have the kid live in misery and squalor with the bio parents rather than give them a decent childhood.
Congrats on your children, they look so very happy.
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