Post-Script to the Panera Post

It is always interesting to me which of our posts seem to stick with people the most. Since Saturday I have received four separate emails from four different people regarding the story from lunch at Panera (click here to read that post). One thing that is interesting to me about that is that scenarios similar to the one I described in that post happen to our family constantly. For people in families who "blend in" better, it might be hard to get a sense of our vantage point. I understand that. And I have come to also understand that this blog is interesting to waaaaay more people -- for waaaaaaay more reasons than I ever anticipated -- and it isn't solely the 'let-us-keep-our-friends-and-family-up-to-date-with-the-goings-on-of-our-kids-kind-of-blog' that we originally conceived it as. In fact, I have felt (and still do feel) quite conflicted about putting our lives "out there" like we do on this blog... but it is the reactions to posts like the one re: Panera that remind me that the risks involved in doing this blog are worth it. I feel like it is worth it because our blog seems to raise a little consciousness in people --- intentionally or not. And to me, that consciousness is the key to changing the world. I'm not saying that I or my family are changing the world (believe me, I don't have that much audacity) -- I am just saying that I believe that consciousness can change the world. And without exposure, there is no consciousness. So, exposure -- as risky as it is -- is something we're willing to do (at least for now).

Whoa. I didn't mean to get that philosophical about this. I mean, it is after all just our family blog. A blog that just a relatively tiny number of people read. A blog about our tiny little foursome's pathetic lives. O.k., don't worry people, I'm back with my feet on the ground again. So, here goes...

The Panera we were in on Saturday is definitely predominantly white (at least at lunchtime on that particular day it was), but it is located in a fairly racially & socio-economically diverse area (it is by no means a very mixed area, but it is by no means an entirely homogeneous area either -- we do, afterall, live within 1.5 hours of two of the largest urban centers in the entire United States). However, I think the thing that stands out about our family is not necessarily that we're four visibly racially different people... but that we're two white (very fair skinned) parents with two black (very dark skinned) children. Even when we're in the *MOST* diverse places (when we're hanging out, for example, in central Manhattan, Greenwich Village, SoHo, Inner Harbor Baltimore, downtown Philly, ETC.) we *still* stick out like a sore thumb. We seriously almost NEVER encounter families like ours. Black families, yes. White families, yes. Bi-racial families, yes. Adoptive families, yes (Chinese, Korean, Guatemalan mostly). But white parents of black children, no--- almost never. I have come to understand that no matter how much we seek out "diversity" (and believe me, we do! we work hard at deliberately putting our family into "diverse" settings), our particular family is still virtually never represented.

Regarding what happened on Saturday -- From what I interpreted, it isn't that the kid in the Panera was noticing two "brown kids" (he's surely seen lots of non-white -- including dark skinned black-- kids around these parts), but what he was so struck by was our clearly adoptive inter-racial -- specifically, black-white, family. He articulated it very clearly: "Look! There are two brown kids! With two white people!" This is striking to people even in the most incredibly diverse contexts. What was noteworthy to me was not that the boy noticed us (who wouldn't?) or explicitly pointed us out to the people he was with (remember, this kind of thing happens to us all the time)... What was so profound to me about it was that the mothers didn't use it as a wonderful opportune moment to talk about how many different kinds of interesting families exist-- and that they did not allow the young boy to be struck by seeing us and did not allow him (let alone encourage him) to be curious and open and embracing about it. Instead, in that moment in the Panera, the white women silenced a young white male who might have otherwise had an opportunity for a pretty awesome "first" experience with a family like ours. So, that, to me is the profound part (and yes, I'll admit it, the very sad part too).

In our neighborhood we have five multi-racial families (four of which are adoptive families) out of the 12 houses on our immediate street. As a sociologist I can tell you that those are some pretty good stats re: "diversity" and adoption... but still -- the black-white thing-- I honestly believe that it is (for lack of a better way of putting it...) the final frontier.