Now that I am visibly and obviously pregnant, we are quite the sight when we're out and about. As though people weren't confused enough when they'd come across us in public, now it seems we are even more of a perplexity than ever. People say the darndest things. Most of the truly memorable declarations are from total strangers. But even aquaintances have been having some pretty astonishing things flying out of their mouths lately. Note that all of these things have been said directly to me --some by multiple people on multiple occasions-- very cheerily and chipperly with absolutely no foul intention. And, most disconcerting... these things are often said right in front of K & O. Here is my current Top Ten List for:
The Most Very Irksome Things that Random People Say To Me These Days
- "You must be so happy to finally be having a baby of your own!"
- "Do you mind if I ask? How long did you really try before you adopted?"
- "That's what always happens! As soon as you adopt, then you get pregnant!"
- "Well, just look at you! Just like they always say-- just adopt!-- it's the sure way to get pregnant! See!?!"
- "Wow! So, you're 'gonna be like Brangelina!!!!!!!!"
- "Whoa Mama! Look at you! You're finally 'gonna have a baby!"
- "Wow! So, this must be a miracle baby for you?!"
- "Isn't it just amazing??! Miraculous??! To truly experience becoming a mother?!"
- "So, how does it feel to finally be having a real baby?"
- "Look at you! You're 'gonna be a Mama!!!"
22 comments:
wow, . . . this world is ridiculous. i'm sorry heather. you're the best mother i know. don't listen to their nonsense! i love you! :)I LOVE YOUR FAMILY!!!!
why people think it's their place to approach strangers and say things like this is beyond me...people are truly ignorant (and rude).
how do you usually respond to people saying stuff like this? especially when it's in front of Kyle & Owen?
Been there--I finally got really comfortable saying, "We knew we could have biological children when we decided to adopt," and then walking away. Six years later, I'm still using that one about once a month. Being visibly pregnant really seems to bring it on though, doesn't it? Often, the comments (almost always in front on my kids, the older two who definitely 'get' it now) are so outrageous that I am at a loss for words. As my kids get older, I am more committed to snappy comebacks. I want my children to know that (1) the commenters are the rude ones, (2) that we don't have to answer any questions we don't want to, and (3) it is okay to point out how rude, inappropriate, and/or insensitive the questions and comments are.
Hang in there. It doesn't stop, but (unfortunately) I've gotten more used to it over time. And I've come up with some good responses along the way. Now if I only had a dollar for every time someone said, "You've sure got your hands full." :)
Been there--I finally got really comfortable saying, "We knew we could have biological children when we decided to adopt," and then walking away. Six years later, I'm still using that one about once a month. Being visibly pregnant really seems to bring it on though, doesn't it? Often, the comments (almost always in front on my kids, the older two who definitely 'get' it now) are so outrageous that I am at a loss for words. As my kids get older, I am more committed to snappy comebacks. I want my children to know that (1) the commenters are the rude ones, (2) that we don't have to answer any questions we don't want to, and (3) it is okay to point out how rude, inappropriate, and/or insensitive the questions and comments are.
Hang in there. It doesn't stop, but (unfortunately) I've gotten more used to it over time. And I've come up with some good responses along the way. Now if I only had a dollar for every time someone said, "You've sure got your hands full." :)
Heather,
Let it go....you know better....we all know better.
You guys are the best.
Love
Cheryl
Ick. What is wrong with people?!
WOW! I am at a loss for words...ugghh..
You look adorable by the way!!!
Hugs,
Renee
Heather,
People need to stop and think before letting things fall out of their mouths around kids but that doesn't happen often..
All kids are miracles ! And if born to us or come to us by the miracle of Adoption they are our children!!!
God Bless your family and enjoy all three of your miracles!!
Rose Anne
I am speechless. People can be so ignorant.
Kathrin
Ugh - people can be so thoughtless. The last 3 upset me the most... but I guess the advise provided above is best - LET IT GO.
Congrats again on the impending arrival of baby sister - can't wait to see K&O as BIG brothers :)
Staggers the imagination. Just staggers it.
The other day...right there smack-dab in front of Nicki and Sammi, this lady at our little town playground said, "Are you sorry you could not have children of your own?" what...! huh!! "what planet are you on, lady...!"
Sorry dumb things are being said to you....your children are very smart and they probably already know that dumb people say dumb things....
Hugs
-cindy
ps you look awesome!! :)
I don't have adopted children, but it simply amazes me the things that people say. Sharing DNA with a little person does NOT may you a parent!!
Wowwww! Who are these people? It never ceases to amaze me how rude people are! So, I'm curious how does your immediate family respond (your husband and the boys) to the idiots?
We have four bio kids at home and are expecting our son from Haiti soon! I would love to hear what you say to these people!!! I am not sure if I could remain calm and/or hold my tongue!
I really feel people just do not understand your situation. They would be horrified if they realized the implications of their comments. You and Braydon, K&O, are a wonderful, unique family. The average(operative word here)person thinks people adopt because they are unable to get pregnant.I liked the response one commenter posted, "we chose to adopt before having biological children." That will set em' straight!
It hurts to think that K&O may have heard AND understood what was said. When and if K&O ask about these comments you will handle it the best way you know how. People never cease to amaze me. I prefer to be amazed by the good stuff.
You ARE a Mother now and have been for almost 4 years. You NOW get to experience being pregnant and giving birth.
Let it go and move on. Always a good solution.
Before David Andrew was born people asked if there was anything I needed for the baby. They wanted to know what name I had decided on ..blah blah blah. After he was born it was "did you have a girl or boy?", "where is the baby?" and "I bet he's getting big." blah,blah,blah. Those questions were very "irksome" also.
Carol
P.S. to this post & response to the comments---
Hi All,
I try to ignore these sorts of statements/questions as much as possible. Believe me, these things don't plague me or paralyze me in any way (after all, if they did, I wouldn't be able to live my life as I know it--- our kind of family life is not for the faint of heart... anyone with an obviously visible "alternative" family knows THAT!). But when it is in front of Kyle and Owen simply ignoring these sorts of statements/questions is not an option as far as I'm concerned. I usually don't answer the questions, but I do respond to these people in some limited sense in order to be clear that I'm standing up for myself/us. I do this because I believe it is important (on so many levels) for K & O to know that I *will* stand up. I usually try to make clear that we "went straight for adoption"; that we "had never even tried to get pregnant"; and that adopting our first children was our first choice-- a choice we are grateful to have made every single day. I also try to make very, very clear that: 1) I am already a mother and that 2) adoption is the truest and purest miracle that I've ever experienced in my lifetime. The "Brangelina" comments probably bug me the most--- the implication is that inter-racial adoption is "cool" or somehow "hip" (like it is some sort of trendy thing to do). That deeply disturbs me because inter-racial adoption is still statistically rare... *especially* and *notably* white-black adoption and adoption unrelated to infertility is still statistically rare... i.e., this is not a "trend" by any stretch of the imagination... and 3) anyone who has ever raised a child should know that you don't take on a life-long commitment like that just to be "cool"... wiping butts and cleaning up puke and crying out of sheer exasperation with child-raising is *not* something that people do in an effort to be "hip"!!!!!! (and going through an adoption process... especially via a place like Haiti... is not something that people can --or should-- take lightly). So-- with the Brangelina comments I'm at a total and horrified loss. Otherwise, I've become pretty good at trying to write these people off without totally blowing them off (i.e., trying to gracefully set them straight). My hope is that Kyle and Owen (and in the future, Baby Sister, who will also be confronted with a lot of 'stuff') will have grace and dignity to take the road less travelled with their heads held high. Right now my primary objective is to try to do the best I can to model that for them and with them.
Thanks to everyone for reading and for commenting!!!!
Heather
Sigh...
Ugh! I went through that last summer when I was pregnant with my son and had baby twins adopted from Vietnam. I think it's sad that people don't realize that adoption CAN be a first choice! Your boys are beautiful and I love following your story!
Natalie
Oh my goodness! I want to say I can't believe this, but actually i can. People will say some very ignorant things sometime.
I hate these comments, but I especially hate them when they are said in front of your kids.
I hate this comment in front of my two kids (one bio and one adopted domestically) .... "do you think you'll have any more of your own" as if my youngest son isn't my own.
UGH!
We're adopting from Haiti too. A boy and a girl. Amos is almost 3 and Story is almost 5 months old. :) We will be seeing them in 3 weeks!!!!
:)jamie
dreamingbigdreams.wordpress.com
Yeah, I cringe whenever people tell me how lucky my son is to have a mom who brought him out of the "horrors of Haiti" RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE!!! Who wants to live his life feeling like Pip in Great Expectations? "Oh, Thank you Sir. Yes, crumbs will do just fine for me. I'm just happy you picked me..grovel grovel UGH!!!
You are a better person than I if you can even write this list without going on a rant. Even reading it makes me stabby.
It's when people say such things in front of my children -- at least one (and probably two) of whom are old enough to understand -- that I really get furious.
Dear sweet beautiful mommy. AND you are beautiful. You give new meaning to the word "glow". The world needs more people like you and Braydon. You're absolutely right. Adoption is not for the faint of heart. I too have gotten the "Brangelina" but mine was in reference to us adopting internationally. You are a mommy and have been for 4 years. I anxiously await "her" arrival........she's one lucky little girl.
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