Recently I've been thinking a lot about the whole 'black on the outside but white on the inside' slam that is often flung at certain black kids. Many of my black students at Lehigh talk about this extensively -- about how they are scrutinized, criticized, and mocked for "acting white" (i.e., for being exceptionally good students, dressing 'clean cut,' moving outside their neighborhoods of origin, etc., etc., etc.) Many of my Asian students at Lehigh talk about being called "bananas" (i.e., yellow on the outside but white on the inside) for dating white people, excelling in subjects other than math/science, playing physical-contact sports, etc., etc., etc. I've listened to them as they tell me their experiences with these slams -- and our conversations have been deep, dark, soul-searching conversations. I've handed them Kleenex as 300 pound gorgeous football-playing black guys have cried on the couch in my office. And I've hugged them as beautiful sparkling the-world-in-the-palm-of-their-hands Asian young women have fallen apart in front of me while recounting their stories. My conversations with these students on the topics of "oreos" and "bananas" have been gut-wrenching and heart-breaking... even long before I became the mother of Kyle and Owen. And now, these conversations have taken on a whole new depth for me as I worry about what the future holds for my precious boys. I cringe, even as I type 'o-r-e-o'. For as much as we try to devote ourselves to parenting them in a way that will help them to know and embrace their 'blackness,' I'm very aware that we will not be able to protect them from the slamming slashing 'oreo' junk that will surely be flung their way. Today I read a great post on a blog I like. It articulates so many of my own thoughts and questions, but so much better than I could have written myself. Read it by clicking here (blog is My American Melting Pot, post is dated April 30).
4 comments:
Interesting post, Heather (yours, and the link).
I think with 2 white parents, our kids have little chance of not "acting white." I don't know how to be a black woman, dh doesn't know what it is to be a black man, we don't have the perspective or the depth of experience to pass on to our kids.
We can bring our kids to multi-cultural churches, black doctors and dentists, hire black babysitters, take our kids to black hairdressers.. that's "nice." It's important. But most of what they learn, they will learn from us, and we're white.
Our kids will be Haitian, and not Haitian. Black, and not black. Our children, and not our children.
It's a kind of limbo that goes with transracial adoption, I guess.
Heather,
As the white mom of 1 black and 2 biracial boys this is an issue we are also thinking about & dealing with. My boys are older than your kids, so we have been able to start having conversations about how they will be percieved by others when the behave or speak in certain ways. I agree with Mrs. Incredible's comment that this stuff comes with the territory, but it is not limited to transracial and transcultural adoption. If my experiences are like yours, I would guess that most of the students you have these conversations with were raised by parents of the same ethnicity/race. The hurtful comments come from others in the community. It seems to be an issue of pointing out where others have stepped away from the internalized stereotypes of the group.
I don't have any great insights about how to handle this, but I think its important that we as parents recognize that our kids will be seen as black by the larger community and give them opportunities to be part of the black community with, and perhaps most importantly, without us.
Julie
Heather, I have been following your blog for some time now, It's fascinating and gives me hope that good families do happen. When i see the time, focus, concern, intent, and attention being given to your kids, I'm encouraged. I think every child on the planet needs what you're giving your children, and think the world would be completely revolutionzed if it actually did happen.
Little about me. Black female, 34 years old, born and raised in Montgomery, AL, the prototype of division and hatred. I too, experienced this awful phenomonon of being put down in the black community because of success.
Questions like, "Why do you talk that way? What color you is? blah, blah, blah. Introductions like, "This is Rhea, she's not one of us. "This girl you're sitting next to is not who she appears. . ."
It's hurtful, no doubt. No getting around it. You grow and realize that these comments have nothing to do with you, but as a child, especially teenagers, it hurts.
It seems that because you (Heather), Mrs. Incredible, and Julie are actually anticipating this, and have had / will have conversations with your children in preparation, your children will be better able to adapt to the challenges they will face. Your concern, knowledge about the issues, and committment to immerse your children in black community is so commendable. I think your dedication and determination to make sure your children get what they need is more important than your racial point of reference.
After all, both my parents are black, and unfortunately, I had to experience and figure all this out on my own. In addition, it's sad but true, I was distanced from the black community growing up, being taught that it was inferior to white culture, very dysfunctional, and not to be appreciated. Hard to believe, but in Montgomery, AL, I was raised by black parents to be critical of black people and black culture. And becaue of the negative feedback I was getting from black peers, I wanted to distance myself, which furthered the divide. I think if I had some sort of appreciation of black culture in the home it would have made closing the gap easier for me.
A turning point for me was high school. I attended an academic magnet program and met black kids from all over the city who had similiar experiences. So all the "oreos" gathered in this central location and it was very refreshing. This is where I learned that it was ok to be black and successful, and that there are PLENTY of black successful people out there.
It seems as if it's becoming more about genres of people rather than race.
(That's what I've noticed in Huntsville, Al at least, where I've lived for the past 10 years. Huntsville really is a cool place, it should not be a part of Alabama really. I moved to Orlando, Fl couple of months ago, so may be different here, not sure).
There's your techie people, religious people, hip hop people, bohemian, airy fairy, granola loving, recycling people, the politically correct company people. . .and many races of people belong to that. Seems that gay culture is all it's own as well. This is what I've noticed recently, and I'm amazed at how different society has changed since I was a teenager. And of course, location and environment makes a difference as well.
Point is, social environment may be very different when you actually get to this stage in the lives of your children.
This is one reason why I think teaching Black history is so important. Not only do kids need the friendships, peer networks, role models, mentors, teachers, community, etc. of various ethnicities, they also need to know the history. The great achievements of Black people going before them will balance out the criticism. At least I hope so. The more biographies and history I read, the better I feel prepared.
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