Thursday, February 18, 2010

Snow and Stuff

Well, we are officially in the deep down depths of winter. Since moving to Pennsylvania in 2003 we have never seen so much snow here. This winter we've had a series of snowstorms that have left a bunch of snow on the ground without having a chance to melt before the next storm comes. It isn't anything like the winters I had growing up in New Hampshire, but it is the closest that I've seen since moving to this part of the country. The J-Ms seem to have a love-hate relationship with snow. We do love it. And we do hate it. What it really boils down to is that basically we love a lot of snow when we're visiting New Hampshire. Otherwise, at home, we could be very happy without it. And yet, here we are. We're trying to make the best of it, but really-- we just want spring to come, and it is only mid-February. Ugh. And we have a lot on our minds, too. Haiti is still right up at the surface for us. It is a constant, daily conversation. As it should be. But still, it isn't easy. I cannot even imagine how hard it is for families who experienced being there for the earthquake... let alone the reality of life for everyone still on the ground in Haiti right now. It is all constantly on our minds. And we're dealing with our own earthquake-aftermath stuff which runs pretty deep (and which I'm not going to write about in any detail here). So, again, here we are. It is what it is. And there is no way over it, under it, or around it -- we just gotta go through it. But I'm not gonna lie about it --  it is tough right now. On top of it all is work. Both Braydon and I are absolutely swamped. And it is just hard when we're both swamped because it means we're just totally overextended and spread far too thin on every front. And so it goes. The hardest part of each day, however, (at least for me), is leaving Meera to go to work in the morning. We've got the best nanny in the whole world. Margie is a God send and I thank my lucky stars (and I thank her profusely) each and every day. But still, it is tough. The boys go skipping off onto the bus to school each morning, so it isn't totally gut-wrenching to leave them (at least not most days)... but Meera is another story. She's happy as can be, and I am grateful for that, but it still kills me to leave her each day. She'll kiss me and cheerily say, "Bye bye!" when she sees me pick up the bag I carry to work. And now, just in the past couple of days, she has started to say "I love you!" (sounds like "la lu!") as I walk out the door. Seriously, it melts --and breaks-- my heart each and every morning. I cannot imagine not working. But I also would be dishonest if I didn't admit to the fact that it pains me to walk out the door each day. So, it is a lot of mixed emotions. Emotions that working moms don't really get enough of a chance to talk about or process or sort through. These are the same sorts of mixed jumbled up emotions I feel as I watch Margie with the kids sometimes. Every once in a while I work from home (I try to avoid it because it is really hard on everyone to have me present, but not really present)... and I can truthfully say that having my kids so well cared for by Margie is one of the most amazing feelings I've ever felt. I cannot even explain the depths of peace and comfort that it brings to me. On the other hand, as I watch them for brief moments here and there, it just breaks my heart to see them doing things together that I wish I could be doing with them. Like playing in the snow. Truth is, I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to go sledding with them... and yet... there is nothing in the world I'd rather do than go sledding with my kids. It is impossible to explain. But it is what it is. And so, again, here we are. Hopefully spring will come, and with it the blossoming of new energy and new new emotions. But right now... we're just kind of dealing with snow and stuff. (photos below - Margie and the bambinos sledding)

 
  
 

6 comments:

Jen Slavin said...

La lu!

honor22 said...

I hate sledding, but I know what you mean. My mom was home until I was in 5th grade. I wish I had that option. As much as I love working, I would totally stay home if I could.

Hugs to a fantastic Mom who is raising strong, confident and beautiful children!

Erin

Haitian-American Family of Three said...

I find the "home but not home" aspect very, very difficult too. When I am working but can hear my kid playing its great and horrible-I want to play too, but have to stay locked away getting stuff done.

Jane said...

Oh wow! This brings back memories and feelings from all the internal struggles I had with work vs stay at home when my two boys were this age. I ended up teaching only in the am and being with them the rest of the day. Dad got them up and off as I was already at work by 6 a.m. The boys have fond memories of their morning routine which included a wake-up song I would never ever have sung! HA
Heather hang in there, you know what's right for you and your family. They all seem to be thriving!

HUGS (peep-eye Chris's mom)

Cindy from central NC said...

All I can say is "yep".....

-cindy

Heather said...

I hear you, Heather. And am with you. It's tough . . .

"Truth is, I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to go sledding with them... and yet... there is nothing in the world I'd rather do than go sledding with my kids."

Truer words have never been written.

Thanks for your honesty and continuing to put yourself out there -- you speak volumes for so many of us.

HCP