Dear Boys

Dear Boys,

Who knows if you'll ever actually read this someday. You may have no interest. You may be too busy to be bothered. You may reject everything about your crazy parents. You may be insanely curious about your childhood and be reading every word of this old blog in a desperate attempt to figure some stuff out. You may be showing this to your therapist. I just don't know what the future will bring. However, just in case you are reading this someday, I wanted to make note that today I turned in my Tenure Portfolio.

Right now you have absolutely no idea of the significance of this. That is as it should be. I don't want you to even think about this kind of thing for a very long time. But someday you will understand what it all means (or meant)... and I want you to know some things:

• Every single day that I drive you to daycare I have the lump in my throat about leaving you.
• Not a day goes by that I don't question everything I'm doing as a mother.
• I was working toward tenure long before you were even born. This has been in the works for a very, very long time. I feel passionate about my work, and in my heart I feel that I am supposed to be doing this work in the world. Yet still -- now that I have you -- I wonder if it is all really worth it.

I also want you to know these things:

• Every single day that I get to live with you I am full of joy for what you are in this world.
• Not a day goes by that your zest for life, your enthusiastic gusto for all of living, and your genuine intense happiness tell me loud and clear that I must be doing a good enough job as a mother.
• Long before you were even born I knew in my heart that I needed to do my work for me, and for the greater good, and for the sake of you. I mean "you" literally and figuratively. Now that I have you, deep deep deep down inside -- in my heart and in my soul -- I feel that importance more than ever.

Boys, hopefully someday we can talk about all this. And hopefully someday -- if you are as blessed as I hope for you to be -- we can talk about this with your partners too. Whoever the lucky women or men are to whom you are married someday (I sure hope that by that point gay marriage will be universally legal in this country), I will be anxious to explain my deeper philsophical underpinnings for how and why we did what we did when you boys were little. I will also be there as much as humanly possible to do your laundry and entertain my grandchildren and cook you dinners while you and your spouses/partners/co-parents work... just like my mom has been doing for me and your father whenever she can these past couple of years. And boys, just remember this: Although tonight you're eating macaroni and cheese heated up from the freezer... then you'll be eating incredible extravagant sophisticated dinners of your choice!

*** And FYI boys, importantly: right now, at the age of two, your dinner of choice is macaroni and cheese heated up from the freezer. ;)

Love, Your Mommy