Top Ten: The Warped Mindset of a Mama of Twin Two-Year-Old Whippersnappers

O.k., another confessional from Heather. Things go through my mind on a regular basis that I am pretty sure do not go through the mind of most people. What I'm talking about here has to do with the day-to-day "challenges" of trying to be Mama to twin two-year-old tyrants. I find myself contemplating and scheming regarding things I never in a million years could have predicted. Sometimes, in the moment, I'll suddenly catch myself in mid-thought and think "whoa! they are little terrors, but still, i can't believe i actually just thought that string of thoughts!" Other times it will be long down the road that I suddenly realize the bizarre twisted nature of my mothering mindset. If you're not a mother of twin boys and you are reading this post, then at the end of it you're probably going to think either: A) I'm totally off my rocker/ I've lost my marbles/ I really am nutso, or B) I'm a terrible mother, or C) both A & B. If you are a mother of twin boys and you are reading this post, then email me immediately because girlfriend, for real, we need to talk!!!

Top Ten Things That Have Recently Gone Through My Mind as the Mother of Twin Two-Year-Old Whippersnappers:

1. "I need to cut their pizza, but I need to get them to look the other way before I grab the rolling-pizza-cutter-knife-thingy. They cannot find out where I keep that."
2. "I wonder how much it would cost to have a wall built to close off Braydon's tool area in the basement? It would need to be a wall that goes completely from floor to ceiling. And it would need a secure door. With a dead-bolt. That locks way high up so the two of them can't reach it even if they work together. But they'll figure out how to move something to it so they can get up on it and reach it. But couldn't we use a padlock? Or maybe a built-in computerized security code thingy so that you'd have to know the code to get it to open? Yes! That would be perfect! I wonder how quickly somebody could build that?"
3. "I've got to wait for exactly precisely the right split-second-moment before I plug in the blender, or else they'll see me do it, and then they'll figure out how to plug it in. And that will most definitely be the beginning of the end with these two troublemakers."
4. "We need to refill the birdfeeders. That would be a fun activity to do with the boys! But wait! We need to distract them before we get out the container of birdseed. God forbid they figure out where we store that."
5. "We've got to change their bedsheets. But how can we do that without them watching? If they watch, then they'll figure out that bedsheets can be pulled off of beds."
6. "How can I get them out of the bathroom so they don't see me apply my mascara? If they observe mascara application then life will never be the same again. They cannot find out about mascara. Or any make-up for that matter. Because then they'll ruthlessly ceaselessly constantly attempt to put it on themselves. And my mascara is waterproof. Oh Lord. I have got to get them out of the bathroom before I put on this mascara."
7. "Okay, if I sneak out of the room, and then tip-toe, and then close the door very very quietly, then maybe they won't realize that I've let the poor cat back inside the house."
8. "Is there some sort of door lock we could get that would allow only us to lock it??? That way I wouldn't have to worry about the two of them locking me out of the house with them inside it. Where's our list for the next time we go to Lowes? I have got to add this to that list."
9. "Unfortunately, they already know that cheese is kept in the fridge. But maybe if I don't let them see me open the cheese drawer they won't figure out where in the fridge. If they figure that out then there will be absolutely no stopping them."
10. "Do they make those dog 'Invisible Fence' things for children???"