Open Book Answers - Part 5 (by Heather)

Jen S said... Questions: 1. What specific things do you do, or purposely don't do, to foster K&O's relationship as brothers? 2. When you decided that the boys should have their own rooms, how did you decide to move Owen and have Kyle stay rather than have Kyle move and Owen stay? xo jen

Hi girlfriend!! FYI to all: Jen is my college roommate! And to this day she is one of my best friends in the whole wide world, even though we live on opposite sides of the country. O.k., Jen…

1) Gads!!! What a tough question! Of course you’d ask that! LOL!!! Well, first and foremost, we don’t ‘push’ it… I want them to be able to celebrate and enjoy being siblings – and twins – but not feel pressure to be best friends. I think that is most important in my mind. I’ve always been fascinated with siblings who are very close in adulthood and I’ve always tried (whenever possible) to ask their parents what they did to foster that. The parents always say the same thing to me: “We didn’t!” They say that they did not force it or put pressure on their kids to be close. They also say they never expected it of them. So—I’m trying to follow that lead. I hope K & O will have a healthy relationship as brothers, but I don’t expect them to. We do try to tell them that ‘brothers are special’, etc. – if they fight bad sometimes I’ll say, “Remember boys—Brothers for life!!!” and I often make them hug to make- up. Mostly, though, I try to let them fend for themselves in terms of their relationship. From my perspective, they have an awesome relationship. They can fight like cats and dogs, but they also have a ton of empathy and compassion for each other – and they can each make the other laugh like no one else on earth can! I think that’s good so I’m trying to just be as hands-off as humanly possible (for a mother!), and let them do their own thing as far as their own relationship is concerned. It is so interesting to watch them, though, and I’m sure you and I could have hours and hours and hours of conversation about this topic!!! (and man, do I wish we could!!!). Just last night, actually, at the dinner table, they both started to tell Braydon and I about a time recently when we separated them in a new environment (we had been to a church and taken them each out separately from the Sunday School – so that each was in there alone without the other for a period of time). They were going on and on to us about how they did not like that, how we should not have done that, how they don’t want us to do that again, etc. They “don’t want to be alone -- only with brother.” They asked us repeatedly, “DO YOU UNDERSTAND???” and needed us to assure them over and over that we would not separate them like that again. So, this is just to say – it is always fascinating… and also, they seem to let us know, quite a bit, what they need regarding their relationship.
2) About their rooms… We moved Owen for multiple reasons. His “new” room is right next door to Braydon and I’s room – and Owen wakes up in the night about 20 times for every 1 time that Kyle wakes up! So, partly, it was just plain pragmatic. Also, Owen is *very* active in his sleep – he is ALL over the place, rolling around the entire bed, etc… Kyle basically lays in one position the entire night! We new the “new” room would have a double bed in it and the “old” room would have a single bed. Owen clearly needed the big bed a lot more than Kyle! Also, before we separated their bedrooms we were having major problems getting them to go to sleep in the same room (basically, they couldn’t avoid the temptation of talking/playing together in one room). So, we’d always end up taking one boy out to the guest room to let them both fall asleep on their own, then we would move the guest-room-boy back to their room. Kyle HATED being put in the guest room. He’d cry. Owen, however, loved it. He’d often actually ASK to be moved in there!!??!!!!! The “new” room was actually the old guest room, so it only made sense for Owen to be the one to move in there. So, those are the reasons. We felt bad for Kyle, though, because Owen got the “new” room with the “new” things in it… the guilt led me to buy Kyle his Big Elmo (click here) LOL!!!!!!! But in truth neither Kyle or Owen ever seemed phased in the least bit about the big move to separate rooms. And it has made our bedtime ‘situation’ soooooooooooooooooooooo much better!!!!!!!

Owen asleep in his bed the other night

BSC said... Our family is waiting for a referral of a sibling group from Haiti. I don't have a question but I'm looking forward to your answers to all of the other questions. By the way, we just drove on 78 to take our son to his first year of university in VA. We joked about stopping off to visit your family. You feel like the kind of family one could just drop in on. Beth in Nova Scotia Beth--- OMG, you should have contacted us!!! Yes, we are the kind of family you could do that with--- and we *especially* love getting together with other Haitian adoptive families! Next time!!! OK?

Corey said... Question from the Waters Family:When can we get together in September?
Corey – email me so we can set a September date! Xo hbj

Anonymous said... if you adopt again, would it be a boy or girl and would you try another place to adopt from, like Brad & Angie?

I already answered this in previous answers--- but if we adopted again, it would be domestic… and probably a girl.

Anonymous said... Hi. I love reading your blog, I am a mom of 2 girls (18 months apart); we live in San Juan, PR and I have no questions. I am actually a college counselor here and visited Lehigh last year... it's a small world. I also love Virgin Gorda....bye. Lucia

Ah! Lucia!—wish we could have met up when you were visiting Lehigh!!!! And yes! Yes! Yes! To Virgin Gorda! We LOVE it! Cannot wait to go back there!!!!!!!

Jen said... My question relates to this---do you think you'll take your boys back to Haiti to visit someday?

Jen, YES! We definitely plan to take Kyle and Owen back to Haiti. We imagine we’ll make more than one family trip back over the coming years. Right now we still feel they are too young to understand and appreciate it. But we are waiting for the timing to be right (not sure when that will be but we feel like we’ll know it when it is upon us), and we will definitely bring them back – at least a couple of times.

LaLa said... I was going to ask what a couple of others have...are you thinking of adopting again and if so, from where?
Already answered!

Anonymous said... Caught this invite just on time!!!First of all, really enjoyed your blog.My first question is whether you are considering adopting another child and if so, in Haiti? The four of you seem so "whole" as a family that I can't picture another member, but I'm just a reader. My next question is very trivial. The boys have very cute clothes; care to share where you shop?
Hi! I’ve already answered about having a third child. RE: the clothes--- I love dressing them! And to this day they don’t care one tiny bit what they wear, so it is super fun for me! LOL! I can dress ‘em however I want! Favorite shopping places for K & O’s clothes (in order of my/our preference): t-shirts on-line from Cafe Press, Gap Outlet, Hanna Andersson, LL Bean, Osh Kosh, Mini Boden. We buy shoes from a specialty kids’ shoe place called Olly.

Anonymous said... THEIR OUTFITS ARE ALWAYS SO VERY CUTE. MY QEUESTION IS WHERE DO YOU BUY THE CUTE CLOTHES AND SHOES, ETC ETC ETC FOR THEM? SO CUTE! PEACE, JENNA G.

Hi Jenna, see above about clothes & shoes!