Open Book Answers - Part 8 (by Heather)

I was curious how the boys did in coming home and going straight into daycare?Plus your opinion on what kinds of things to keep private about my Haitian children's history. Like I said I am a sharer, but God has been teaching me about biting my tongue lately. And I really enjoyed your blog about this. And know I'm not trying to get you to divulge info to me I am just asking for examples or guidlines to think about. My two children have VERY different backgrounds.I'd appreciate any insight you may have.Thanks, Kristina
Kristina – our boys did absolutely GREAT coming home and going into daycare. They did not go straight, however. I took the spring semester off and they were home with me 24x7 from the time we came home in January through June 1. My university has a great leave policy for adoptive families and I was able to have a fully paid ‘maternity’ leave for that period. I believe the boys really benefited from that bonding we did during that time. Also, we were able to arrange our schedules so that for the first month (June 2005) that the boys were in daycare, they went only part-time (20 hours/week) and I believe this helped ease them into it. Starting July 1 they began full time (40 hours/week). Not many dual-career families can do this, and we feel/felt very fortunate for that.

I have 2 tips for working mamas re: daycare: TIP #1) NEVER LET ‘EM SEE YOU SWEAT --- I think the best thing that I/we did to prepare Kyle and Owen for daycare was to be *very* upbeat about it. Even though they were just barely 12 months old when they started we would clap and jump and talk very excitedly about “Daycare!!!” – like it was the best thing in the world! When we’d drive into the daycare parking lot I’d start singing “Daycare! Daycare! Daycare!” and I’d bring them in, happily, cheerily, and hugging the staff (so they’d see me comfortable with them). I worked hard to show zero anxiety on my part. They boys followed my cues. Then, I did what I learned from when I was a camp counselor--- I cheerily said goodbye, kissed them quick, and turned and walked out the door. I just know it is soooo much harder on kids if mama lingers (as much as *I* want to linger!). Then, I’d get into the car, drive off, and start crying like a heart-broken-mama!!!!! TIP #2) ALWAYS WEAR WATERPROOF MASCARA WHEN YOU HAVE TO DO DAYCARE DROP-OFF.

Re: what to keep quiet… my rule of thumb has been this: If Kyle and Owen don’t know about it yet, then nobody else does either. For us, it is as simple as that. There is stuff that we’re keeping private because we want Kyle and Owen to hear it first… when they are old enough to understand it/comprehend it/handle it. Then, it will be up to them to decide who/what to tell. FYI: We subscribe to a magazine called Adoptive Families. In the current issue they have a short article about exactly this topic. (click here for link to that magazine)

In January I wrote a long post discussing “Things We Did” when we first brought the boys home – click here.

Jaylen Dorio Abella said... Here is what I've been dying to know for the longest time about you: As a working mother myself I get tons of grief and hassle (mostly very subtle but very bothersome and hurtfull nonetheless) from SAHMs all the time. Does this happen to you? You never write anything about it I've noticed. The most horrid is the "Full Time Mom" phrase-- implying that somehow I am a "Part Time Mom"?????? Like because I have a career my mothering is only part time (as if I'm not a mom while I'm at work???)? It makes me absolutely positively livid. But I have yet to figure out how to respond. I just sit there hurt and livid with nothing to say in response. How do you cope with this kind of thing? I need a clever brilliant response. Hope this comment isn't too long. From one working mama committed to my work AND my family, to another- (oh, and I love your blog!!!) Jaylen Abella in upstate NY
Hi there Jaylen. I feel your pain. I really do. I do get a lot of 'grief and hassle' as you say. Everyday I feel that. Every day. It is very hard. And there is no way to escape it. And it is very isolating. Most of my friends are SAHMs. Most of my work colleagues have wives who are SAHMs. In my neighborhood I am one of only a couple working mothers. I am literally surrounded by SAHMs and they constantly do things (I'm sure mostly unintended) that really hurt my feelings. Mostly, though, my problem is that I just feel left out. I know you can't have your cake and eat it too -- but it is really hard for me (as someone who is social and likes to have friends) to not be a 'part' of their groups/playgroups/cliques. I understand it, obvsiously (I'm just not around during the day to hang out with them, and we just don't have a lot in common), but it is *hard*. I too HATE (hate hate hate) the phrase "full time mom" and it makes my skin crawl when I hear it! I try to ignore it! In all honesty, I don't have a good way to deal with this. Mostly I just come home, vent it all to Braydon at the end of the day, and tell him to pour me a glass of wine (or--- if it has been a really tough day, tell him to make me a martini!!!) ;0 I have no clever brilliant response. Mostly, I've just been realizing, how important it is to build comraderie with other working mothers... particularly (in my case) mothers with careers. For me, it has been amazing to be able to connect (via this blog actually!!!) with a couple of other career-moms-with-adopted-twins! Whoa!!!--- that’s been great! My only saving grace is that I totally 100% believe that what I’m doing is right for me and for my family. Braydon and I are truly committed to having an egalitarian relationship. Braydon and I are DEVOTED and DEDICATED to truly co-parenting our children to the maximum degree possible… and I fully believe that in the end K & O will be amazing men, in part because of what we’re doing. I love it that they have a powerful, self-confident, self-sufficient high-achieving WOMAN as a mother/role-model. I know that will inform their relationships far into the future – especially with women. What keeps me going when the times are rough (and gosh, aren’t they sometimes so rough???!!!) is that I do have a handful of friends who totally believe in me and totally agree with the mother-with-career way-of-being. I turn to those friends when I need to--- I don’t do it very often, but it saves me to know that I can. Keep on keepin’ on Jaylen. And remember: Radical Families Shift The Horizon!