K & O on Gender: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Our humanity rests upon a series of learned behaviors, woven together into patterns that are infinitely fragile and never directly inherited. --Margaret Mead


There is so much I could say here. But after pondering this long and hard I've decided to just let the quotes and stories speak for themselves. Here it is folks... some of our most memorable recent moments with Kyle and Owen regarding the subject of gender. The good. The bad. And the ugly. You can decide for yourself which is which (depending, of course, on your own leanings with these subjects). I will say, however, that anyone who has read here for any length of time will be able to guess where I stand on these things. I AM MORTIFIED ABOUT A LOT OF THIS---- but for the sake of memory, for better or for worse, I am putting this down here. It is what it is. It is real. So, here we go...


In the car one day early this Fall~~~
K: Mom, what are you going to be when you grow up?
H: Well, I'm kind of already a grown up. And I am a professor. You know that. That is what I am for my work-- that is what I do for my work. I am a professor.
O: I'm definitely not going to be a professor when I grow up.
H: O.k. That's great! I think it is great if you do something different than what I do.
O: I'm definitely not going to be a professor when I grow up because I'm not a girl.
H: Oh. Well, there are lots of professors who are men. Professors aren't just women.
K: Like who?
H: Like Ben! You know, the Ben of 'Ben and Ruth.'
O: The Ben that visited us?
H: Yes, he's a professor. You know that! And there are lots of other men professors too. You've met lots of men professors. Like at my work. You know, like all the people at my office who are men. They are all professors. You know that.
O: Papi, are you a professor?
B: No, I'm not a professor. But there are lots of men who are professors.
K: What is Papi?
H: Umm... umm... Papi is an executive.
B: Yeah, I'm an executive.
K: An executive. Oh.
O: Well I'm going to be a pilot when I grow up.
H: Whatever you want to be there are men and women who do it. Boys and girls can all do all of the different jobs. There is no job that women aren't allowed to do. And there is no job that men aren't allowed to do. There are men and women professors. There are men and women executives. And there are men and women pilots.
K: I never saw a pilot that was a lady.
B: Yes you did! The first time you ever sat in the pilot's seat in a plane cockpit! That pilot that let you do that was a woman! You've definitely seen a woman pilot before!
K: Oh. Really?
B: Yes, do you remember that?
K: Oh, yes, I do remember that.
B: So, there are pilots that are women and pilots that are men.
O: Well, I'm going to be a pilot. I'm not going to be a professor because I'm not a girl.


One day, playing "Mailman" in the playroom (a common theme of play with K & O).... They make "mail" (i.e., write on paper and make letters and envelopes, packages, etc.), and then they "deliver it" to other parts of the house (via riding on their toy train), and this goes on and on for hours. Talking to each other, while deep in their imaginative play~~
K: I am a mailman and you are a mailman. Right Owen?
O: Right.
K: Are we kid mailmans or are we growned up mailmans?
O: We're grown up. Definitely. We are grown up. Kids can't really be mailmans.
K: O.k. That's right. Are we married?
O: Yes. Definitely.
K: To women or to men?
O: Um, I think to women.
K: O.k.
O: What is your wife doing?
K: She is a mailman too I think. But no. It is just you and me. We are the mailmans.
O: Right. It is just us.
K: Right.
O: I will tell my wife to stay here and take care of our kids.


Another day, during dinner, we were talking about marriage (this is a consistent theme for K & O ever since school started this fall). Despite the fact that we have gay and lesbian friends and family members who are legally married and many of whom have children of their own together, and despite the fact that in their own classrooms Kyle and Owen have friends whose families represent such family structures, they continue to be challenged by the fact that some kids at school tell them outright that "men can't marry men and women can't marry women." Apparently, according to K & O and their teachers, K & O duke this out (words, not fists, at least so far, thank God!), on the playground on a regular basis. Anyway, one night at dinner~~~
O: Well, I know this for sure-- I am going to marry Stella and Kyle is going to marry Emily and we are going to live in a house together and we are going to sleep together in a giant bunkbed and we are all going to be together in the top bunk.
H: Oh?!
K: Yes, that is how it is going to be. Right Owen?
O: Right.
H: Well, if you decide to get married when you're grown-up, that is still a long way away, and you have plenty of time to figure out who you will want to marry.
K: How far away? How old do you have to be to get married?
H: Well, I think you have to be, I don't know, maybe like something like 30 years old when you decide to get married. It is a big decision!
O: Well, I know I am going to do it and I am going to marry Stella.
H: Maybe. Or maybe it will be someone else. Maybe a different girl. Or maybe a boy.
K: I will marry a lady.
H: Why?
K: Because then she will cook for me.


Lastly, a head's up regarding the soon-to-happen-Halloween-extravaganza!!! (just 48 hours away now and the countdown is on!)~~~
The boys are very excited for Halloween. We have their costumes and everything is all set. They've known for months (well, basically, since last Halloween) what they want to be for Halloween this year. Prepare yourselves for what you will see on this blog in the coming days..... for disdain or delight (again, depending, of course, on how you lean on these things)... my Boy-boys (the same ones quoted above) are going to be butterflies. Glittery, fluttery, winged, butterflies. They were insistent. INSISTENT. Not that I fought it. But still. They were determined about it. Nothing else would do. Note: they have absolutely NO IDEA WHATSOEVER that butterflies are considered, by the vast majority of the U.S. mainstream population, to be 'girl costumes' (etc etc etc). So, like I said, it is what it is. All mixed up. And real.