Open Book Answers - Part 10 (by Braydon)

Braydon's LAST answers!

vy said... Hi! I've been lurking forever, enjoying your stories and pictures of your family.I have a soon-to-be 3 year old daughter adopted from China. My hubby and I have been approved for our next adoption but I'm leaning towards Ethiopia and my hubby towards China.I have 2 questions for you. 1) We do not live in a multi-cultural area. (1 hour outside Copenhagen, Denmark) The only Asian people around are at the local Chinese restaurant. We have friends that came home with their daughter from China 1 week after us and the girls see each other at least every other week. Do you have any suggestions for Asian exposure? Eating Chinese food every once in a while just isn't enough.2)Any comments on pros and cons of siblings with different race/culture (Chinese & Ethiopian) vs. same race/culture (both Chinese)??Love to hear your thoughts! Thanks!-Violet

Hi Violet –

I think there are two questions here, one of race and one of ethnicity. They are both intertwined and not easy to answer. In general, as you’ve already said, going out to eat is not enough – what that means to me is that you want to have more exposure to both racially and ethnically diverse people and events.

Now, before I go further, I think it’s important to note that what I just said sounds very strange and uncomfortable – it sounds like a white family attempting to exploit another people for their race and culture. That is not my intention at all. As I see it, in our case, our kids are black; we are white. Since we don’t know about being black, and can’t help our kids viscerally understand it, it’s our obligation to make sure they have exposure to other black people. It’s not for us, it’s for our kids. It’s not about taking advantage, it’s about making sure our kids have what they need to grow up happy and healthy.

So, in our case that means we have actively sought environments and relationships with black people and also Haitian people. We are also looking seriously at where we live and working on deciding to live in an area where there are more black people.

Heather, of course, is a wealth in working on this. Her work is race and class in the US, so she has incredible knowledge about the topic. That said, implementing it in our life is challenging. So – she has been able to tie into the black community of students at Lehigh which is great. We also make an effort to go to events that are black focused. We have also built a strong network of Haitian adopted families – that has been fantastic.

So – I am not sure how you might go about it in terms of Asian or Ethiopian, but I do think it’s important for kids to spend time with others of their same race and ethnicity. But it is a struggle, and we struggle with it too.

lori said... We are a transracial adoptive family (my husband and I are white and our daughter is bi-racial) and our daughter loves to look at the photos of your boys. Sadly, due to the area we live in, somedays your boys are the only brown faces she sees (we're working on moving as I type). Thanks for that. My question is: What do you do when you are confronted with racist/innapropriate comments in front of your boys? We need some help in this area. thanks for sharing your journey.

Hi Lori –

Strangely, we don’t get much in the way of overt racist comments. Most people who are not friendly stay clear of us. I also practice wearing the protective veil (the one that says “I don’t see you, don’t want to see you and won’t see you even if you speak to me, so don’t bother”). We do however get many good intentioned, but racist comments. And when it does happen, Heather and I tend to take similar approaches, and it depends on the situation.

With our families, or close relatives, we tend to call them on it, duke it out and then move on. We’ve explored it together and by and large everyone is good with it. With friends we tend to ignore the comment and switch the subject. Friends we find are the toughest ones – you don’t want to alienate, but you don’t want it to happen either. Sometimes we gently correct with appropriate language, if they friend wants to discuss, we discuss.

With strangers, we tend to do one of three things: 1. ignore it completely and ignore them (just keep walking), or just answer. 2. Gently correct and NOT engage in any dialog about it. We never engage in dialog about it – we have found it’s just not worth it. I was not put on this earth to educate every person out there about black people, black kids and adoption. I just wasn’t and my kids were not either. They should not have to be “ambassadors to their race” 3. Smile, nod and play dumb. “What do you mean?” “I don’t quite understand”. 90% of the time that makes them backtrack. And it’s fun to watch.

We’re trying to teach our kids that the world, while beautiful, rich, and wonderful, is also totally insane. It’s not them, it’s the world. They hear and see and experience things that are just nuts. Don’t let it get to them and don’t let it rule them. Just move on and plow ahead.

We've gotten more quotes that I can remember, but here are some of my "favorites":

1. “I assume those are *your* children????” - Park ranger who pulled us over in a National Park for the boys sticking their heads out the window to gwak at the ponies. My answer: “Yes, that’s correct.” We got a $50 ticket. Race, or justice. You decide.
2. “You just wrote your ticket to Heaven.” - Co-worker who thought it was great that we adopted from Haiti. My answer: totally ignored it.
3. “Black people all love friend chicken” – friend at dinner. My answer: ignore it but only because we were in total shock and went numb -- we could barely even comprehend it actually happened until after the dinner when we then discussed it (and all the things we coulda/shoulda said) late into the night.
4. “Dave Chappell is so funny. He says “n----- this and n----- that”. – an acquaintance. My answer: ignore it and leave the room (in an obvious display of disgust).
5. “We used to call those [brazil] nuts ‘n-----‘ toes.” – a very old relative. My answer: Ignore it and debrief with the rest of the family later and get really angry and confused. Then celebrate how far we've all come... despite the fact that even just one generation ago it was commonplace in our white families to use the 'n' word.
6. “Move away from those boys honey, they are too rough.” – a playmate’s mother. This doesn’t seem racist, but there were other kids just as rough and there was no problem with them. My answer: “go Kyle! go Owen!, great job, now do a jumping forward roll!”
7. “They are going be football stars!” – we get a lot of that. If I have to explain it, then you won’t get it. My response: “Kyle is a great golfer, Owen is great swimmer, they both have an aptitude for music and reading.”
8. “Do they speak English?” – somebody – when they were 8 months old. My answer: “I don’t think so, they are only 8 months old.” We get that now too (they are 3). My response now: “What do you mean?”



A & B Baxter said... Sorry this question is coming in late- hope you're still taking them? We're in the process of adopting a baby (probably 6-12 months old when we bring her home) from Ethiopia. What's your advice for the transition and attachment related adjustments when we get her? I've been reading books but it would be really wonderful to get a "real" family's perspective (a family who has actually gone through it). Did you let people visit right away? How long did you wait to leave the house? Etc.? Thanx. Alicia & Bob Baxter, Burlington Vermont

Hi Alicia and Bob! Hope the adoption is going well – hang in there! In terms of adoption, Heather read a ton, and she found that “Attaching in Adoption” by Deborah Gray was the best. CLICK HERE. But this is what we did:

1. Fed them bottles, many bottles. Stroked their cheeks and palms while feeding. Made sure they looked us in the eye.
2. Cuddled as much as possible. Skin to skin (like with no shirt on).

We did not let people visit. We actually had a VERY strict policy (that our folks hated). No visitors at all for the first few days. Then only after a week, Heather’s parents came over. But we didn’t let them feed K & O and we did not let them hold the boys much. They basically stayed downstairs and cooked and cleaned (thank you again Janet and Don!). We stayed upstairs in the boys' room at all times, we only came out to go to the kitchen or family room to feed the boys' bottles. Slowly we started to expose the boys to other rooms in the house. Until eventually they were living in the whole house (we did this over about 4 weeks time). Starting around Week 2, we had visiting hours (couple hours each day max). We also didn’t go out much at first, except to take walks in the stroller, which we did all the time. Slowly we eased up and gradually we acclimated into a 'normal' routine. Within five weeks we were going out and about and doing a relatively normal-family-life.

Mayhem said... I'd love to read about how you met and decided to marry.

Hi Mayhem - thanks for asking! Here is the scoop – Heather and I both went to Colby College in Waterville Maine. We were in the same class, but even through it’s a very small (1,600 students) college, we didn’t meet until senior year. The day before classes started, I walked into a party in a dorm room basement and there Heather was. I saw her across the room, she saw me, we walked up to each other and started talking. We left holding hands and never stopped.

After being together as a serious couple for 8 years, we decided to get married. We actually debated it for a long time. Not that we weren't in love, but because of the inequality in the world - so many people who can't be married - even ones that want to and deserve to. And there are so many gender problems with the institution of marriage, we were not sure we wanted to support that.

Ultimately we decided several things: 1. That it's not wrong to be married - it's wrong that others can't be. 2. There are problems (as we see it) with the traditional marriage structure, but we could make it as we saw fit 3. We knew were were going to adopt and not being married would make it that much more difficult and also challenging for our kids.

After processing all that, one night, a day or two after Heather had gotten her tonsils out at age 27 (very very painful), and Heather's mom had left and I was left caring for her - and I did it, she realized she wanted to get married. And a little after that, I did too. And on September 15th, 2001; we did. And I am so glad we did.