this is
HAITI
WEEK
on the J-M Family Blog!

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In Union There Is Power

In all honesty, this is something I have thought of --I'm pretty sure-- at least once every single day since January 31, 2005 (the day we flew to Haiti and united with our boys forever). The motto that appears on the Haitian flag, "L'Union Fait La Force," translated into English is, "Strength Through Unity," or, as many people say it, "In Union There Is Power."

I feel like these five words got branded into my brain on January 31, 2005; they so perfectly state so much of how I observe my two boys. I'm going to jot down here a few of my brief thoughts on this. But believe me when I say, I could write a lengthy book on this topic.

Kyle and Owen are a force, especially when united. There is no stopping them-- this is most definitely true in terms of very naughty behavior (man, once they get started, they just don't quit with the antics and tussles and bad bad bad behavior; wow can they get into some trouble together), and I, being their mother, see this almost everyday. There are times when I want to pull my hair out (each of them alone can provoke that reaction in me, for sure, but together... watch out... Mama can go from zero to sixty in no time flat). I still get very nervous when they are suddenly quiet in the presence of each other. It usually means that they are up to no good. This was true when they were 2, and it is just as true today. And yes, they've done some pretty serious damage together... some of which has left permanent scars on our house (think WATER DAMAGE), on our cars (think DEEP EXTERIOR SCRATCHES), and on our psyches (think MOMMY --and sometimes even Papi-- MELTDOWNS). Yes, when it comes to their mischief, "In Union There Is Power."

But "In Union There Is Power" means so much more with them too--- Together they are a force to be reckoned with. Don't even try to cross one of them because you'll get both of them right back at ya. They don't fool around when it comes to defending one another. They've got each other's backs non-stop, round-the-clock, day-in-and-day-out, always. Everywhere, from on the playground to in the family room, and everywhere in between. They are each over 50 pounds right now. But believe me, together they are well more than 100 pounds of full-blown bone and muscle coming at you fast and furious if they think you might be in their way.

And "In Union There Is Power" means a lot in terms of their disposition too. They are unbelievably happy and they are fully engaged in life. They have an incredible zest for living, and they live their lives to the very, very fullest (overflowing fullest of full). They laugh together like you wouldn't believe. And they play together harder than you can imagine. Have you ever heard of a set of twins who shares a full-blown full-time imaginary friend? (June is alive and kicking folks, she has never left). That's just one tiny example of the life-world that is their own. It is bigger than big, that life-world of theirs. "In Union There Is Power"... a power that goes beyond the norms of what you'd normally expect to see from two five year old boys. It is a happy twinship, a tornado of energy and gusto, a double torpedo of GUMPTION and wild-and-crazy ACTION. They do have their calm moments. And they share traits in common that defy their action-oriented-exuberance (they are both extraordinarily affectionate and cuddly and kissy and loving, and just deeply compassionately and empathetically caring). But what comes through the most, especially at first glance, is the powerful dynamic ENERGY of their union.

I truly believe that the fact that they had each other is what carried them through the storms of their early months. No, they weren't held (not much at all), and yes, that's led to some pretty serious stuff that we're coping with to this day and probably always will be. But they could feel each other's bodies, and they could sense each other's presence, and they knew their togetherness (I'm sure of it), even as infants. No, they weren't in (by any stretch of the imagination) healthy circumstances. But they were together in the thick heat and humidity, they were together amidst the gunshots and the tension and the crises, they were together in the bottom of that dingy portacrib every hour of every day and night. They were grasping for each other's hands and touching and feeling each other's selves through the commotion and the chaos and the desolation and the blankness that was their early life. This was one of the first things we noticed about them-- their constant need to regularly hold each other's hands. They'd reach out for one another, as 8 month olds, and grab hands. Sometimes they'd hold tight for long stretches of time. Other times they grab hold and then twirl and interlace their fingers around each other's, rubbing each other's hands and fingers and fingernails. They needed to do this regularly (and it was so clear all the reasons why) for the first few weeks we were with them.

Gradually that grasping for each other started to fade. And in its place came two sets of matching gleeful, sparkling, mischievous eyes that would catch each other's looks and communicate with nothing but a glance. And off and running they'd be-- toddling all over the house, and then scootering all over the driveway, and now bike-riding all over the neighborhood. "In Union There Is Power." "Strength Through Unity." Their union has always been their power and their strength. The power to transcend. The power to heal. The power to live. The power to rise above. It is a power that should serve them well their whole lives through (even if, at times, it can make their mommy come close to the edge of a nervous breakdown!!!).

"In Union There Is Power"... I swear, I see it everyday. That Haitian spirit. Times two. Big time. The power of it is a whole much larger than the sum of the parts. In union there is power.

Synchronized Blogging!!! Rollings In Haiti & J-Ms in USA

This is a first for us! SYNCHRONIZED BLOGGING! I must admit, this has been very fun to plan and implement... synchronized blogging!!! who would have thought it?!!... here's the deal...

So, Rollings In Haiti is a blog that I read regularly. Chris and Leslie Rolling are the in-country Directors of Clean Water for Haiti. This is an amazing organization and I encourage you to check it out!!! A couple of weeks ago Leslie did "Food Week" on her blog. One of the posts she did was about Steak Au Poive. CHECK IT OUT BY CLICKING HERE. If you read the comments to her post you'll see my comment there about pomme frites. So... there they are in Haiti and here we are in the U.S. and they've got the Steak Au Poive and we've got the Pomme Frites. All I could think about was how much we'd love to get together and have dinner with Chris and Leslie while Olivia, Kyle, and Owen (our 3 little Haitian Sensations) ran around together playing in one or the other of our yards (and Meera would be sleeping, of course, cuz she's still sleeping about 75% of her life these days). Anyway..... Leslie and I got to thinking.... we can't get together for dinner (at least not right now), but we could both make it, and then both blog together about it. The J-M's would be trying out the Steak Au Poive for the first time, and the Rolling's would be trying out the Pomme Frites for the first time. And our little brainchild --Synchronized Blogging: Haiti/US Style! -- was born. We were so excited to think that we might have coined a new cool blogging term. But I googled it and it turns out, sadly, that others have done it before us. Oh well. It was fun anyway. So...
Here's the story...
On their end... click here...
and...
On this end...
WHAT A NIGHT IT WAS!!!!!...
Saturday night was our special night. We put Meera to bed at her usual 6:00 and we got to it. We told the boys that we were having a "special Haitian dinner" and explained that this was something that would be an "extremely special treat in Haiti" and that "actually very few people in the whole world ever get to eat such a special meal" and that "we are so lucky" etc. etc. etc. They were way into it. Totally interested, totally curious about it, totally totally into the whole deal. The additional excitement for them was that they got to stay up really, really late (a rare, rare treat!).

Owen was my Right Hand Man in the kitchen while Kyle helped Braydon create the atmosphere (i.e., set the table and pour the wine and light the candles!)...
The au poive sauce was amazing..............
Leslie's Steak Au Poive was heavenly!!!!!!!!!! And the boys were very impressed that we made "french fries" at home (I had never made them for them at home before and they had always thought that french fries were a special treat for when we go to restaurants). Kyle announced they were the "best french fries ever!" And they both ate up their steak (and the broccoli, which they used to mop up all that scrumptious au poive sauce... literally, they used the broccoli like little mops!). I chose broccoli as the side because it just seemed like the perfect choice. And, really, it was! The whole meal came together magically good...
We followed Leslie's recipe precisely and I wouldn't change a thing. I highly recommend it (go to her blog for the recipe). Braydon said it was one of his top ten meals I've ever made... which, seriously, is HUGE. Huge. Like, really, really huge (because I've made him some pretty darn fabulous meals, especially pre-K&O). It got a big A+ from all four of the J-M's that partook of it. We will definitely be making this many times in the future. For dessert we had pound cake with fresh berries and whipped cream (I know, I know, I know, Rollings, this is so unfair--- our ability to easily get these berries and your inability to get these berries at all... oh how I wish we could send some down to you by the caseloads!!!!!!!)
After the feast the boys had a heavenly summer night catching fireflies...

...and playing in the yard with flashlights...
...and generally enjoying the darkness and specialness that was that night...
...including a late night (i.e., 9:30 p.m. which is waaaaaaay past their usual 6:30 p.m. bedtime) swim in the pool in the pitch dark.
It was a really wonderful night to remember here. Definitely a highlight of our summer. Thanks Rollings In Haiti! We love you and can't wait for the day we'll have dinner in real life!

It gets under your skin

We're by no means experts on Haiti, we've been there once. We do think about it a lot and since our kids are Haitian, it is a deep part of our lives. But we're not anywhere near experts. We do try to keep abreast of news and goings-ons (our courageous and dedicated blogging friends in Haiti - we're looking at you!) and have a sense of the place. A sense of history, a sense of the now, a sense of the challenges, the passion, the terribleness.

We do not glamorize it, we do not romanticize it, we try to remember that every day, less than an hour flight from Florida, there are millions of people in desperate poverty. We also recognize the incredible resiliency of the people of Haiti. It's a tough balance to strike, but one that's important for us to keep in mind for our children. There is both horror and wonder.

When we were waiting at the U.S. Consulate, our adoption facilitator told us our drive to get our kids home was something that Haitians respect - passion. and, I remember standing outside the Department of Homeland security and forcing a swath of space around us as we made our way through the throngs of people and I also had the sense that there was respect for strength. is that the way it should be? I don't know, but it is certainly the way it is - respect for a show of strength. Is there respect for actual strength beyond passion? I don't know.

People tend to think that we are experts on Haiti. And while we don't think we are, truthfully, people in the U.S. are woefully ignorant and unaware of anything about Haiti. Is it institutional racism that we turn a blind eye? Or is it just to painful to admit? Or something else? Are we experts? No, but we've become ambassadors.

There is, however, one thing that I feel completely confident saying about Haiti. Until you have been there, you have no way of understanding it. We in the U.S. have no frame of reference in our world that allows us to build a mental image of what Haiti is. Whatever you think it is, before you have visited, you just can't know.

To me, there is no better way to describe it than this: The first thing you notice when you get off the plane is the heat and smell. By the time you leave, your skin has been imbued, with grit, determination, sweat and the scent of burning garbage in the streets.

Once you have visited Haiti, it is forever under your skin.

Cite Soleil

I keep an eye out on the internet for photos and news of Cite Soleil. This is where Kyle and Owen were born. These photos, some of the best I've seen, were taken by Jan Sochor, a great photographer... click here (scroll down to see these photos) and click here (scroll to the right to see these photos). You can find more of his photos of Haiti if you click through the "photoblog archive" on the Jan Sochor photo site (click here).

Haiti Reunion Weekend

The first year we went to the Haiti Reunion we tented for the weekend with the boys (Meera was not even a glimmer in our eyes!). It was awesome. And we planned to always do that. And then --surprise surprise!-- came Little Miss! Last year, given that she was just a few weeks old, we stayed in a hotel nearby the campground where the reunion was being held. It worked out great -- and made it feel like a real little vaca weekend away. This year we opted for the same hotel again... because we still feel like we're not ready to tent yet with a 13 month old, and because the hotel was so fun last year. We arrived Friday afternoon in time for swimming in the hotel pool. The boys and Braydon went out to dinner that night while I fed Meera and put her to bed. And then, of course, we spent the entire day Saturday at the reunion. On Sunday we hung out at the hotel and pool until check-out at noon. We had a fabulous time for the whole weekend.

Haiti Reunion 2009

This past weekend we were at our beloved Pennsylvania Haitian Adoptive Families Reunion. We get together with these families twice a year. Once in the summer for the big reunion, and in the winter for the Christmas Party. These annual get-togethers are, for us, sincerely two of the highlights of our year each year. The only way I can think to describe it is that it is like a glorious deep breath. Really, though, I know that it is something indescribable -- seeing what happens when these kids get together, and feeling what happens when these families get together -- and I know I really can't do it justice in writing, so I'm not even going to try to explain. But every family there understands. And that camaraderie and that kinship is something that is truly invaluable for each and every one of us. And that spirit helps to carry us through to the next get-together.

More photos are here.

Haiti Reunion 2009, more photos

"What If?"

Oh, my boys,
the "What If?'s" are hard to shake.
Like waves, they just keep washing up, to the shore of my consciousness.
I try to lull myself to sleep, in the hull of the ship on this sea,
in the comfort of the here and now,
but they are endless.
Despite our best efforts to live in the moment,
and regardless of our intentions to live for the future,
the past is still right there behind us.

The "What If?'s"
Omnipresent,
fuzzy around the periphery.
The thick dusty grime, the dirty hot sun, the air thick with burning rubber,
in Cite Soleil.
The distended bellies, like rocks, sitting between your spine and my hip.
I pull you closer and I try to push it away,
but it --like Haiti-- is always there.

We have to move forward, we have to be free, but still, there they are.
They happen in the smallest of moments.
And in the most profound.
I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head
intentionally to shake them away.
It is too much to ponder.
The "What If?'s"

It is completely surreal.
But it is real.
It is in the little things --
the giddy grin I see when you first put on a pair of brand new shoes;
the arms outstretched in utter security when you lay there asleep in your bed;
the look of concentration as you wind your way through the maze.

Oh, my boys,
you would never have had those shoes,
that security,
that space in your mind for pencils and Saturday morning moments.
Oh, my boys,
I cannot even think it,
how different the mazes would have been.

Oh, my babies,
it shakes me to the core.
The "What If?'s"
and the tremendous juxtapositions
of what is and what might have been.
And the truth of what will never be for
oh so many.

Cute Little Black Boys Do Grow Up To Be Black Men

Owen & Kyle

We can't talk about our boys being from Haiti without talking about the fact that they are black. So, here goes the first post for Haiti Week~~~

Braydon and I talk about this all the time-- the fact that people (even white people!) think that little black kids (especially babies! and even boys!) are so very, very, very "cute"... ("ohhhhhhh! they are A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E!!!"/"wouldn't you just LOOOOOOOOOOVE to have eyelashes like that?!"/"Oh gosh, is it o.k. for me to admit it-?!-seriously-?!I-just-think-black-babies-are-sooooo-much-cuter-than-other-babies!!!!!!!!!!!"/squeal/giggle/squeeze the cheeks/tousle the hair)... but those very same people (especially white people) come to view those very same black kids (especially boys) as Predators. With a capital P. Not-So-Cute. With a capital N-S-C. 'When will it happen,' we wonder, 'that our black boys will lose their cutie-ness in the eyes of their larger world?' We know it will happen. Actually, we know that it is happening. (already they look so much older than they are). And it sends shivers up our spines. We talk about it (often) with the black people in our lives. "It will be when they hit puberty!" many have said. "It will be sooner than you think," others warn. "It will happen as soon as they turn 10," a good friend said, "I swear," he told me, "10 is some sort of turning point, it will be as soon as they hit 10." (A lot of people, as it turns out, say 10.) And then there was a series of deep conversations that Braydon had with one of his colleagues awhile back. She swore, based on her own experience as a black mother of black boys, that "it happens as soon as they lose a tooth." That tooth thing was a new one to us. But she was so convincing that we've been fearing and dreading the Tooth Fairy ever since. (which is tough, since Kyle and Owen are extraordinarily excited --and just cannot wait-- for the glorious day that they lose their first tooth... to the point that they regularly try to convince us that their teeth are loose... and we worry that they'll tug and pull on their teeth so much in their efforts to convince themselves that they are loose, that they will make them loose). Anyway, you get my point: it is going to happen, and it is going to happen sooner than we'd like (because, of course, what we'd like is for the world to just go on forever thinking that our beautiful black boys are just that-- beautiful black boys). So, like everybody else who is or has ever been a parent, we see time moving way too quickly, and we see our little babies-toddlers-pre-schoolers-little-boys being taken away from us way too fast, and we see the Big Boys that are taking their place appearing much too often. But, unlike parents of kids who aren't black boys, we have this whole immense other layer of sadness-concern-dread-fear-and-loathing weighing on us as we watch them grow. We know what the future will bring. And there is a huge dimension of it that we desperately wish we could postpone. Forever. Because we just desperately wish that the parents of the little white girls who now ask them to go to their birthday parties would be just as thrilled ten years from now about their daughters asking our sons to go out on dates or to the prom. And we just desperately wish that their teachers, who now think that they are "sweet rambunctious little boys" would not turn on us later, thinking instead that they "trouble makers" with "behavioral problems." And we just desperately wish that our boys would never be followed around in a store, suspected of shoplifting, pressured to get out. And we just desperately wish that people would never subconsciously (or consciously?) move out of their way --conceiving of them as Thugs-- on the sidewalk or in the elevator or in the lobby or wherever. And we just desperately wish that our boys would never have trouble hailing a cab. Or getting help from the police if they needed it. Or convincing somebody that they are just as legitimate as anyone else in whatever way they need to be seen as legitimate. And yet, we know, that no matter what we do, it is all bound to happen. There is a structure in place. It is ominous and looming. Regardless of who is President. And all we can really do is prepare them for it. Prepare them for the fact that no matter how high up they get, no matter how expensive their suit will be, no matter how drop-dead-gorgeous they become, they will still be, after all, Black Men. If you haven't been reading about it yet, you really should be:
David Wall Rice from The TakeAway

and if you have just a little more time, you should really read this too:
Jimi Izrael from The Root

and if you are interested in all this, then this is a must-see:
Cornel West and Carl Dix on Democracy Now!

Henry Louis Gates, Jr.

Moving Forward... Drumroll Please...

...welcome to
HAITI
WEEK
on the J-M Family Blog!!!!!!!!!

Over the coming week we're going to post things that are somehow, someway related (if even only somewhat obscurely) to the big, big topic of Haiti. There are a whole bunch of Haiti-related thoughts bouncing around in our minds (and our conversations) around here lately. So for the next week we're going to blog exclusively about some of that stuff.

A note up front~~~ Folks, we are declaring this Haiti Week on our blog for no other reason but that we just want to. If you haven't figured it out already, let me spell it out for you: this blog is all about us us us us us. The purpose is not to educate anyone about Haiti (there are lots of other sites out there that can do that, just google it and see!). And we are definitely not, by any stretch of the imagination, experts on Haiti (far from it!). It is just that Haiti is, simply, weighing heavily on our thoughts and on our hearts, all (all!) the (the!) time (time!)... and has been for 5 1/2 years now. This is a week for us to just take a tiny bit of time to process some of what we've been thinking about recently -- for ourselves, and as a record for our kids someday -- and if you want to read along, then you're welcome to come along for the ride! However... please... keep in mind that some of the stuff we'll be writing about is very sensitive for us and for our two precious Haitian-American kids. As always, we'll be censoring what we write for all of the reasons that we do that. But we still feel vulnerable. So, if you have questions or comments, please do leave them here-- but please also refrain from expecting more of us than we can give.

Three Cheers to Haiti Week!