Love Thursday

Heather & Kyle, December, 2005

Love Thursday: Love of Life in the U.S.A.

Kyle On Our Deck, First Week of July 2005

(photos below taken the same day)

Before Kyle and Owen the Fourth of July never meant much to me. I have never been a "patriotic" person. My critical stance on social-political life began very early on. I can remember as a teenager being aware that my constant critique of the social world easily frustrated people. I'd often get strong reactions (not usually positive) when I'd voice my opinions about all the things I was worried about: sexism, racism, classism, homophobia, capitalism, apathy, unequal education, blurred Church-State, anti-abortion, child abuse & neglect, lack of social services, structural inequality, etc., etc., etc. (the list was/is endless). People often made it quite clear to me that they thought I should be less "cynical" about, and more "grateful" for, life as we know it in the contemporary United States. I learned to keep quiet. And I quietly went and got a PhD in sociology, focusing on inequality in the contemporary United States, and reading a lot of Marx, etc. along the way. I travelled around the world a little bit -- I saw enough of the world to know that I was truly fortunate to live in the U.S.A. But still I was much more critical than not. It still upset people when I spoke my mind about it. Luckily for my mental health I found a soul-mate who sees eye-to-eye with me on almost everything. Braydon and I made a quiet life for ourselves and created a refuge for each other. And we always knew we'd adopt. Yes, this is part of our radical politics. No, my children aren't "symbols" -- they are the loves of my life, the heart and soul of my world, the center of my entire universe (anyone who reads this blog surely can see how much I fiercely love them). But Braydon and I did have to come to grips early on in our adoption process with a lot of stuff -- perhaps the most complex and difficult was the notion that what we were doing was, indeed, one way that we live out our politics. It was a radical act, a way to share our privilege, a way to do something concretely good in a world we often felt so bad about. Adopting from Haiti was that for us. We know in our hearts, minds, souls that we were adopting for all the right reasons... one of those reasons had to do with our social-political beliefs. We had to learn to come to terms with that, and we did. Sort of. Braydon was more at ease with it than I was. I was always unsettled about it to a certain extent. I worried that people would think that we adopted the children that we did in order to "make a statement" (people have even overtly said things to that effect to me). I worried that as white parents we'd be unable to raise black boys well enough. I worried what people would think. But I felt inside myself that this was what I was meant to do, and Braydon was sure of it too, so we moved on through the process.

There was a precise moment in time when all of my internal angst and conflict over this public/private~~political/personal adoption-related-stuff finally all melted away. I remember the moment as if it has been carved in stone in my life history. We were bringing Kyle and Owen home. We were going through immigration in the Miami airport. I was already emotional because of everything we were going through. Just minutes before I had sat in an airplane crying tears of joy as we landed. I had never wept upon landing before. But the emotions overtook me-- I was holding Kyle, this precious tiny baby, with his twin brother on Braydon's lap further back in the plane. We were bringing them home on immigration visas that were supposed to make them American citizens upon hitting U.S. soil. As the plane started to go downward I pulled Kyle close. As we landed I remember saying to him "You're my baby, you're in the United States now, we're going to a doctor tomorrow, everything is o.k., you are here now, everything is o.k., welcome to America baby, welcome to America." He was 8 months old and had only heard English for the past week (from us, in Haiti), so he obviously didn't understand me. But the Haitian man sitting next to me did speak English, and did understand me, and I remember the look in his eyes. These emotions were intense for me, and still lingering, as we waited in a special immigration room deep inside the Miami airport. The immigration officials knew we were coming. They had found us in the crowd and pulled us out from the masses and taken us aside. They took us into a room and treated us like we were very, very, very special. I'll never forget the feeling. A man took our sealed yellow envelopes -- one for each baby -- and went behind a bullet proof window to open them and "process Kyle Macon Johnson-McCormick and Owen Badio Johnson-McCormick." The "process" was to make it official. They were becoming U.S. citizens right then and there. I can't articulate the feelings. Braydon and I just kept looking at each other wondering out loud: "Is this really happening???" The boys were oblivious. There was only one other person in the room. He was Haitian and had been on the same plane as us. I have no idea why he was there. He was distinguished looking, dressed in a fine suit, extremely clean cut. He seemed to know what was going on. I remember distinctly seeing the glass door open, and the immigration official walk right up to Braydon with a huge smile on his face. I watched from just a couple feet away. Braydon, who was very pale from nerves and emotional overload, held Owen in his arms. The man handed Braydon some papers and then looked at Owen. He said, "Welcome! You are the newest American citizen." Braydon said, "Oh my god, everything is o.k.? It is all done?" The man shook Braydon's hand firmly and said: "Yes, congratulations Mr. McCormick." He then turned to me and Kyle and welcomed my little Haitian-American to the United States. I shook the immigration official's hand and said thank you. Braydon said to him, "So, we can go?" And the man said, "Yes! You're free to go! You can just walk right out of here! Congratulations!" Before we knew it the man disappeared back behind the glass. We were left standing with two babies and two Haitian passports. We had to see for ourselves. We opened the passports to look at the immigration visas. Yes, they were stamped. The stamps looked very official. It was done. We hugged. I remember saying to Braydon, "Oh my god, look what we've done?!" And I remember him kissing Owen's head and saying to me, "I know, I know, I know." We cried a tiny bit. We were so alone in that room. Except there was that Haitian man, still there, calmly watching the whole thing. We started to collect our things to leave. The man came over. He touched Owen's head, and then Kyle's head. He looked at our babies and with a kind and strong and confident voice he said: "You are two very lucky little boys. You will do great things." He then bowed his head down and said these words to Braydon and I. These words we will never forget: "Thank you. Thank you for what you have done. You have done something incredible here. I am awed by what you have done. I would like to say thank you. On behalf of the Haitian people: thank you." We stood there dumbstruck. It was all so surreal. We muttered something like, "Well, thanks, but we're the lucky ones..." and then the moment was gone. It was in that moment, when that man said those words, that all of my intellectualized angst just melted away. I have never questioned myself since. I am comfortable with what we have done and I am proud of what we have done. That kind man in the Miami airport -- whoever he was? for whatever reason he was there? -- he allowed me to be at ease with this one aspect of our adoption: the notion of living out my radical politics in this very personal way. I truly believe that if it is in your heart to adopt a child then you should. However, now, I am much more aware of how much the social structure can help or hinder that. It is not just a personal decision. In so many ways, and on so many levels, it is an intensely social-political decision both on the part of the adoptive parents and the "system" in which they are situated. I am deeply grateful for the fact that Braydon and I live in the country that we do. I will never take the opportunities that we have here for granted. I am still gravely concerned about all the same things I've always been... and I also now have a new-found perspective on life in the U.S.A. We are a family of four, two of us are immigrants. And the Fourth of July means a lot to me now. Over the next week we'll be celebrating the Fourth of July with my parents who will be visiting. Finally, I can honestly say that in at least two ways I am proud to be an American. And those two ways are very significant. Kyle. And Owen.

Love Thursday

Jessica Kyle Owen, February 18, 2005

Braydon and I have a lot of friends. Old friends, new friends, friends we see often, friends we rarely ever see, friends from past stages of life, friends from the here-and-now, friends from online who we've never even met in person. Even though I often feel like I'm not a good enough friend (I'm not in touch enough, I forget birthdays, I am horrible about sending 'thank you notes,' I hate talking on the phone, etc., etc., etc.), I feel so grateful to have such a wide network of friends in my life who in their own ways each are sticking it out with crazy-ole-me. And one special thing about life "Post K & O" (as we fondly refer to it), is that I have been able to watch as this wide net of friends embrace my boys -- each embracing K & O in their own way. Some of my friends know my boys well, some have yet to meet them, some read this blog daily and still want more details about my boys' life, others have never logged onto this blog and know virtually nothing about K & O... yet each of my friends have, in some way, shown love for Kyle and Owen. Sometimes the showing of love is subtle, sometimes overt, sometimes spiritual, sometimes material. But I can't think of one person who I love that hasn't shown love for my children. How amazing is that? Even before the boys arrived the love was showering down; we had four baby showers thrown for us, we received literally hundreds of "Happy Adoption" cards, and people all over the place were praying for my boys. I feel so truly blessed. So blessed. And I feel so glad for Kyle and Owen that they have that in place in their life. Nobody could ask for more. At the same time, as I mentioned above, I'm often self-conscious that I'm not a good enough friend to my friends. I worry that I let too much slip too often. I worry that I don't do enough, that I don't show my love enough, that I'm too selfish and wrapped up in my own little life. So today I wanted my "Love Thursday" post to be about the love I feel for my friends -- and the appreciation I feel toward my friends for loving my boys so unquestioningly. Tomorrow some very dear friends arrive for the weekend. We don't see them often enough. We don't do enough for them. But there is no doubt in my mind that they love my boys with a passion. And that just makes me love them even more than I did "Pre K & O" (which I didn't think was possible). The photo above is of the first time our friend Jessica met my boys. Jess is one of the very best friends I have in the whole wide world. She drove for hours to come meet the boys just a couple of weeks after they had arrived home. I was in a hazy-blurry-New-Mom-of-Adopted-Twin-Babies-fog, but somehow I had the wherewithal to pull out the camera and click this one shot. I love this photo because I feel like you can see on her face the love that Jessica felt for my boys (and she had just met them), AND you can see in the boys' postures the comfort they felt with Jessica right away. It is all so beautiful. Happy Love Thursday Everyone!

Love Thursday

This photo of me was taken by Braydon a couple of weeks ago while we were on a gorgeous strip of beach on Virgin Gorda. I was sitting on the sand watching my sandy salty sun-drenched boys run in and out of the water splashing in the waves. At first glance when I downloaded the vacation photos from our camera and saw this photo pop up on the computer screen I thought it was one to delete. But it somehow made me pause. And I looked at it for awhile. Somehow it drew me in. I didn't edit it in any way, just saved it as it was. I have come back to look at it numerous times since. I won't say too much about it -- just that I wish that the photo was taken by myself because I feel that it would be the perfect self-portrait. And so much of that portrait is about love for my boys and my husband and my life. Happy Love Thursday everyone near and far.

Love Thursday: Love of Love

Rocking Kyle to Sleep, Friday May 11, 2007

Last week my 'Love Thursday' post was about my lover-of-life-Owen (click here). This week it is about my sweetie baby Kyle. I love both of my boys fiercely and equally, but --surely, as all mothers and their children do-- we have very different relationships with different kinds of bonds. For Kyle and I, the bond was instantaneous, and it was deeply profoundly loving. From the first moment I held this child he was Mama's Boy. Sitting with him in the orphanage the first day, he had no interest in playing with me or even examining who I was, he simply took one look at my face, snuggled in tight, and within 20 minutes was fast asleep on my lap as we drove away from the orphanage -- the only place he had ever known. He showed absolutely no signs of grieving the loss of the people who had cared for him from the time he was born, he showed absolutely no signs of anxiety over leaving his home never to return, he showed absolutely no signs of losing everything he had ever known. He never looked back. From the second we met, all he seemed to care about were two things: 1) that his brother was o.k., and 2) that his Mama did not leave his side. He clung to me with an intensity that is impossible to describe. I'd hold him for all of his waking hours, and yet the second he awoke he'd frantically reach for me. I vividly remember the plane flight from Port-au-Prince to Miami. I held Kyle on my lap in a Baby Bjorn front-carrier. He did not sleep a wink. He cooed endlessly, and drooled all over me, and could not stop rubbing his face and lips all over mine. I remember actively trying to fight off the urge to feel self-conscious of what the people on the plane around me were thinking -- the scene was so completely over-the-top... This eight-month-old baby boy and I were fully in the throws of an intense love-affair in an isle seat right in the middle of the airplane. Kyle did not cry for the first week we knew him (and Rock, the Director of the orphanage, told us that no one at the orphanage had ever heard him cry). I remember thinking that this baby was so broken; that he had not cried meant that my mothering with him was going to have to be all about healing his ability to cry for his needs. I remember telling Braydon that "we have to be prepared-- this baby might only cry a little bit at first, but we have to respond right away and dramatically!" Or, I feared, "maybe we won't even recognize it as a cry?" But the first time he cried it was a wailing, heart-breaking, soul-wrenching sob that seemed to just drain all of the pain this baby had endured for the first eight months of his life. For more than twenty minutes straight he sobbed and sobbed, and I sobbed too, rocking him in the sunlight sitting in the pale blue rocker in the babies' room. It was the morning of our first day home from Haiti. He had slept in his own house for the first time the night before, and had just eaten two full bottles of fortified baby formula. He was happy, and content, and full of grief. He was only about 13 pounds, and his belly was so distended that I remember feeling like it was hard to hold him close enough. But I held him as tight as I could, and speaking in English --the only language I could speak, but a language he had never heard prior to that first week with us-- I told my baby that it was all done, I'm so sorry it took me so long to get to him, he was home now, and I was his Mama. Owen and Braydon were right there, sitting on the floor. Owen was bewildered and concerned (he had rarely, if ever, heard his twin brother cry), Braydon was struggling to hold back the tears in his own eyes, and we all four made our way through that moment in time. My Ky Ky eventually stopped crying, looked up at me briefly, and then fell fast asleep in my arms. Every time I rock him now I think of that experience. This boy is the sweetest thing I have ever known. His love just pours out of him. And he absorbs love like a thick love sponge. Kyle loves love. He loves to give it and he loves to receive it. People who know him well know this about my Kyle. Kyle loves with a rare, extraordinary intensity. Happy Love Thursday everyone.

Love Thursday: Love of Life

When we first met Owen he didn't smile much. He was a tough and angry little baby for lots of very legitimate and understandable reasons. It took him a while to come into his own. I remember that in those first few months of mothering him I had the profound feeling that I was literally watching him bloom, watching him blossom. At this point I can honestly say that Owen is now truly the happiest person I've ever known -- ever -- in my entire life. Owen truly loves life. Kyle and Owen both do. For sure. But so much of the time it is just so totally, totally transparent with Owen. For me, Owen embodies so many, many things. One of them is that in his three short years of life so far, Owen -- his whole entire self, his whole entire life -- is the embodiment of resilience. To me, he is the epitome of transcendence. This photo was taken yesterday afternoon in our yard. I hooked up the hose for the first time this spring. Owen was loving it. But then again, he was loving pretty much every moment of the entire day. Happy Love Thursday everyone!

Love Thursday: Love of Birthday

Owen Blows Out His Two Candles ~ May, 2006

Kyle Blows Out His Two Candles ~ May, 2006

In just five days Kyle and Owen will turn three. The boys' birthday is all sweet for them. For me it is bitter sweet. For the third year in a row I find myself with mixed emotions. On the one hand, I am -- of course -- beyond grateful and joyful that they were born. I feel blessed deep down in my heart. On the other hand, I can't help but think of their birthmother and what she (and K & O) went through on that day that they were born in the red-hot-heat of Cite Soleil, Port-au-Prince, Haiti. I feel grief and sorrow deep down in my heart. It is a lot of emotion to hold in one heart. Still, though, I don't think that huge amount of emotion even compares to the huge amount of emotion that I see Kyle and Owen feeling right now: Their birthday party is Saturday, and the excitement is building by the hour. It is all about "candle cakes" and "balloons" and "friends" and "music"... it is, in essence, all about love. As with me, some day Kyle and Owen's birthday emotions will probably be more complicated and confusing. But right now, at age just-about-to-turn-three, it is crystal clear in their hearts and minds: their birthday is nothing but all sweet. As their mama, I can't help but go all out for their third grand birthday bash. And there is a lot to love about all of that. Happy Love Thursday everyone!

Love Thursday

LOVE OF WATER

First Bath, Owen & Kyle, Haiti, January 2005

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First Time in a Swimming Pool, Braydon & Owen, Jamaica, May 2005

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First Time in a Swimming Pool, Heather & Kyle, Jamaica, May 2005
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Grace Bay Beach, Kyle & Owen, Turks & Caicos Islands, May 2006
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Our Back Yard Swimming Pool, Owen & Kyle, August 2006
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(note: you can click on each of the photos above to view larger)
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Over the past couple of weeks I've been thinking a lot about water -- specifically, I've been thinking a lot about how much Kyle and Owen love water. On a rainy day, they can't wait to get their boots on and play in the puddles. On a hot summer afternoon, they can't wait to get their little bodies into the swimming pool. They love the bath, they love the ocean, they love water. Lately they've been spending a lot of time in water... between the "April Showers" (see blog photos from yesterday and earlier this month!), and the "Snorkeling 101" (see blog photos from Sunday and earlier this month!) there has been a lot of "water! water! water!" (as K & O say!) around here these days. I knew I wanted to post today about Kyle and Owen's Love of Water... but as I looked back through some of our photos I couldn't choose just one for this post--- turns out we have photo after photo after photo of my boys in/around/loving water. So I ended up narrowing it down to just five, and I'll let you decide which photo you like best today. We first noticed our boys' love of water during our very first days together. In the hotel in Haiti we gave the boys their first bath. They had never been fully submerged in water before -- only sponge-bathed at the orphanage. I thought for sure that these tiny little 14-pound 8-month-old babies who had never even seen us before in their lives would absolutely freak out when we plopped them into a bathtub for the very first time within just a couple of hours of having met them! But no, not at all. In fact the opposite: they loved it. That was the beginning -- when we were first starting to realize their way of being -- how they both just take life by the horns and jump right in (literally and figuratively). They don't hold back. They don't eye it skeptically. They don't doubt us. They just dive. Here's to love of water and love of life. Happy Love Thursday y'all!

Love Thursday

Kyle, Spring 2005

No explanation necessary! Happy Love Thursday everyone!

Love Thursday

Grandpa Les Watches Kyle & Owen Play, Easter 2007

Grandma Lorraine Watches Kyle & Owen Play, Easter 2007

Grandpa Les Meets Owen for the First Time, Easter 2005

Grandma Lorraine Meets Kyle for the First Time, Easter 2005

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These photos are of my grandparents, Kyle and Owen's great-grandparents. We don't see them often, but we just saw them this past weekend for Easter. Lately they have been calling me on the phone a lot. They call to ask about Kyle and Owen and to thank me for little care packages that I send in the mail to them. Every single time that I talk with them on the phone my grandmother tells me how much she loves "the twins," how much she loves what we've "done" for "those two little boys," and how much she thinks that it is "wonderful" that I have both "career and family." She often mentions how a big career was truly not possible for women of her generation. She usually ends our phone call by telling me that she thinks "the twins" are "very lucky little fellas." These are all her words, not mine. My grandfather simply thanks me profusely for the care packages (which always include at least one drawing or craft project made by Kyle and/or Owen), and he always tells me how much he likes looking at the things "those two little fellas" have made. Each time I see my grandparents, or get off the phone with them, I am just so struck by how amazing their capacity to accept/appreciate has been. Of course people are not perfect -- not even close. But for my grandparents to be able to accept (and even more: appreciate) me and my family for who we are, especially given the obvious huge generation gaps, is such a testament to some of the good parts of human living. I love these photos above because they each are so beautiful and express so much. I won't even begin to articulate all the reasons why these photos are so beautiful, and I won't even begin to articulate all the ways that these photos express so much. Read between the lines. Love is not everywhere, but love is all around... even in some unexpected places. Happy Love Thursday.

Love Thursday

Kyle, Sadie behind Kyle, Owen behind Sadie

at MorMor & MorFar's House in New Hampshire ~ August 2005

This weekend the boys will get to see their only cousin, Sadie, for Easter. There's just nothing like cousins playing during family holidays. I'm grateful that for us it is true: No matter what -- no matter distance, no matter difference -- family is love. Happy Love Thursday, everyone!

Love Thursday

Braydon, Kyle, Owen -- February 24, 2005

The boys had been home for less than a month. They were still shell-shocked. As were we. You can see it in the faces of these three in this photo. And you can also see the grip Braydon has on both of them -- he's got them snug on his lap; they're not going anywhere. He loved those babies right from the start. And love grows. It grows and grows and grows. Today, his grip is even tighter. And the shell-shock is long gone. Love is all around. Happy Love Thursday, everyone!

Love Thursday

March 2005

Happy Love Thursday everyone!

Love Thursday

This past Sunday we went to the ocean. It was an absolutely stunning day on the Jersey Shore. The top photo is me with Owen. The bottom photo is me with Kyle. I've always loved the ocean and it makes me so happy that my boys now love it too. Love is all around. Happy Love Thursday everyone!

Love Thursday

Mama Braiding Son's Hair, September 2005

Sometimes the saying is true: "A picture says a thousand words." For me, this is very much the case with this photo. You have to look closely to see all the details, and the photo is slightly out of focus, but the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. So far in my two years of motherhood I have found nothing more mothering-intimate, and nothing more hands-on-loving, than the "doing" of my sons' hair. For me this photo evokes so much that can't really be articulated -- about our story, about our bond, about our transcendance together, and about a simple act of love that, if done regularly enough, has the power to be a profound mother-child ritual. Happy Love Thursday everyone!

Love Thursday

Owen and MorMor and Kyle, July 2005

This my week #2 for our blog's contribution to "Love Thursday" (click here for explanation). This photo just warms my heart because of how much love it shows. At least for me, in looking at it, I can almost even feel the love just seeping through. It was a hot July day -- this photo was taken on our back porch late in the afternoon. The boys absolutely adored my mother from the very start. And of course, she absolutely adored them from the start too. Despite the fact that it is long distance, the three of them have a very special -- and loving -- relationship. Happy Love Thursday everyone!

Love Thursday

Heather & Owen, May 2006

I've decided to participate in the blogosphere's "Love Thursdays." Several of the bloggers whose blogs I enjoy have been doing this for quite some time. I'm finally going to jump on board. At first I thought it was kind of cheesy... but I've come to love it, and appreciate it, and look forward to what people will blog about on "Love Thursdays." If you are unfamiliar with this, then you can go to the original site to learn all about "Love Thursdays" and "Love is All Around" by clicking here. Today is my first installment of my own "Love Thursdays" on our blog.

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The photo was taken by Braydon in our villa while we were on vacation in the Turks & Caicos Islands in May. It was the best vacation I've even been on in my life. When this photo was taken we had just returned from a glorious morning at the beach (if you look closely at the photo you can even see some of the sand from Grace Bay Beach on Owen's eyelashes and matted into his dreadlocks). Owen was still in his bathing suit, he was sleepy from a full morning of fun in the sun, and he was so cuddly with his mama. I remember that my baby smelled like sunscreen, he was slightly sticky from salt water, and his dark back was still radiating some of the warm his skin had soaked up from the sun. I experience deep love feelings for both of my boys on a very, very, very regular basis, but I can still remember the deeply profound sense of love I had for my son in the moment that this photo was taken. Looking at the photo brings me right back there. And it is a good place to be.

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Happy Love Thursday!